Saturday, January 07, 2012
Night out with the girls are something i always look forward to these days. Ever since slightly before wedding, it was an eye opener how these girls are. Always there, no questions asked. Best thing, we go way way back. Been there thru every ups & downs. N now that i need them more den ever, they never fails to turn up whenever i SOS. Lately its been more den SOS. It became our fortnightly/mthly updates. I love that. I seek comfort in that.
And the mind drilling begins. Never judging, never hating. Juz gave it to me like tat. Like its suppose to be. Like how they see it. Pouring my heart out, anger, sadness, despaired. Yet what they say always pull me back to reality. Giving me hope. Giving me more strength den i tink i can cope with.
Siti told me, "Ain you can do it la. Ive seen you doing anything like u always do, capable of anything. Im sure you can go thru this..We hav seen u together. The fact he is staying, must mean something. Right? There is still hope. " Qns in my mind was i know i can do it. But am i ready to do it? am i strong enough? if i do it, will history repeat itself? Fears always there at the bottom of my heart.
Sofy told me, "Mistakes are mistakes. He cant undo them. But he is still here trying to make up to you. You need to learn to forgive & let go. Have faith & try again. I bet he is waiting & not giving up. In marriage you gotta learn to be more forgiving & accomodating. You need patience. Give both of u time & if u still feel unhappy like its eating u up inside, den make a decision. But pls try. " Why does it feel like i shld be the one giving in? Am i really so blinded by his act. Or is it im too tired of being hurt the safest thing to do is shut myself up? So i wont feel the pain, wont have to deal with this.
Dear god, if u hav to challenge me this way, if u hav to make me learn smt, pls give me enough strength & hope & faith. Let me see what he is trying to do. Show me his sincerity if ive been blinded. Lead me the way...
Till then.....
"One day you'll love me, the way I loved you.
One day you'll think of me the way I thought of you.
One day you'll cry for me, the way I cried for you.
One day you'll want me, but I won't want you.."
8:51 AM
Thursday, January 05, 2012
I need place that i can rant out without having to pull back. Dear blog this is where i start to rant out freely, to u i shall go back to again.
Having that encounter didnt help at all. i tot i wld feel better. No i didnt. i felt an emptiness like ive never felt before. I dont want to feel the way i do yet i cant help it. When he kiss me, it seem to sting my skin, tears flowing. When he seek to embrace me its more den i can take. Smt its too much that i felt like breaking free. I ask myself sometimes could i be without him? The answer i got was: I want to try. Thats the scary part. The answer should be a straight no i cant. I know victory was on my side. I made her feel small. Im way hotter den her, im way better. She knows it too coz she articulate it to me. But somehow i dun feel so victorious. So what if i won. She did way better. She fuck, she left. Leaving me & him with a mess so big i dun even know where to start. I dun even think i wanna clean up. I know he is trying. But y does it seem to me not hard enough? He seem to take my smiles for granted. Or am i juz expecting too much? On some days im ok, i miss him. I wanna be around him. On other days, the emptiness & hurt are too painful to think abt. And when i speak bad abt HER, he doesnt join in, he has that sick puppy look still. As if it still hurt talking abt her. For how long do i hav to live with this. Can we juz break away for awhile? Till i learn to cope with this myself?
Till Next time...
"Cause what we had was built on lies,
And our love seems to fade away..."
11:51 AM
Thursday, November 10, 2011
The day is TOMORROW!!! Heheheh excited much. im already wearing the inai. When i woke up this morning first thing i thought was " Ohh shit im really getting married tml!"
But its really not easy problem after problem we face. Finally tml is the NIKAH. I can only hope that everything goes as smoothly as possible for both days.
Ive found the one havent i? Insyallah.
Will update in a couple of days time!
Count down 1day to go!
5:13 PM
Monday, October 31, 2011
Days..Im letting it drag for days..Im too disappointed & tired to deal with everythin myself. He is busy working. So am i. Im not leading life like a queen am i? I believe its time management. I cant deal with it all. Ive been taking care of everythin myself. If i assign a task, it never gets done on time. Always having to chase for it. I HATE chasing. Its like a broken record going on & on. HATE IT! This must be the longest i hav "merajuk". I have no drive to plan the wedding for the last few days already. Let it run on its on. Now i know y couples always feel like calling it off for the last lap. Its too stressful..I dunno how ppl can do it over & over again more than once.
I know he tries to pujuk asking me to meet him. Im afraid if i give in, ill face a new set of disppointment. And i do not hav any more energy left. Ya allah pls give me strength to go thru watever it is u hav for us..
12:03 PM
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
When visitting to our "new" home today at Punggol. I was practically screaming for joy when i reach..i practically wanted to jump in his arms.
The place is absolutely gorgeous! Smt like Parc Lumiere that i wanted. This is like a dream come true. its located opp the park & MRt. Definitely a plus point if we r selling in the future. Insyallah we will get the unit that we are aiming for..SO EXCITED!!!!
Time Check:- 15days 20hours. (OMG!)
9:34 PM
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Remember we applied for the sale of balance flat exercise in Sep 2011? I was anxiously waiting for it n eventually gave up coz i was late in submitting the HLE form and stuffs. This morning i was so stressed up regarding work station shuffling that i had to go thru n was upsetly checking my emails. I saw
Application for Flat under September 2011 Sale of Balance Flats Exercise. With a heavy heart i was already mentally kicking myself for yet again failing.Then i read..."We have conducted the computer ballot and your queue position to select a flat is 2." I swear i could hav jump off my seat. ELATED!! Didnt expect it. Alhamdulilah rezeki tuhan. I shared the news with Ian n he was busy ranting how we will hav a home w/o anythin except a bed.. Ohh who cares! hehe I told my sister and she was happy for me..she say rezeki org kahwin la..Am seriously happy! Tears welling already. Tears of joy..Tml might be going ard Punggol to see which one is our potential new house!! Weeeee~~~!
3:44 PM
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Wedding updates:-
-Finally the cards are here..Now busy with filling it up, how to invite, how many ppl in total..yada yada...After one stress comes another.
-Pantang has been shorten from 1month to probably a week or 2. Its juz not possible. I feel so darn lost w/o him. I start having palpitations during the day & sleepless nite. At times sobbing myself to sleep. Its so unexplainable y i felt this way..Until we met. When we decided to meet, i held him so tight i didnt wanna let go. And i realize one thing:- I juz cant be without him. Let me marry him already dear god. I promise to love him & cherish him with all i could.
-Im done with this wedding stress. It sets me thinking, how cld anyone do this more den once?? the stress of planning & getting it all together is juz too much to bare.Its crazy!! I juz hope everythin goes well and the one above shall protect our love & marriage. Insyallah.
Countdown: 23days, 19 hours & 24mins.
10:29 PM
