e[M]ancipation of Deception

Girls juz wanna hav fun

2012-01-07T08:51:00.004+08:00

Night out with the girls are something i always look forward to these days. Ever since slightly before wedding, it was an eye opener how these girls are. Always there, no questions asked. Best thing, we go way way back. Been there thru every ups & downs. N now that i need them more den ever, they never fails to turn up whenever i SOS. Lately its been more den SOS. It became our fortnightly/mthly updates. I love that. I seek comfort in that.

And the mind drilling begins. Never judging, never hating. Juz gave it to me like tat. Like its suppose to be. Like how they see it. Pouring my heart out, anger, sadness, despaired. Yet what they say always pull me back to reality. Giving me hope. Giving me more strength den i tink i can cope with.

Siti told me, "Ain you can do it la. Ive seen you doing anything like u always do, capable of anything. Im sure you can go thru this..We hav seen u together. The fact he is staying, must mean something. Right? There is still hope. " Qns in my mind was i know i can do it. But am i ready to do it? am i strong enough? if i do it, will history repeat itself? Fears always there at the bottom of my heart.

Sofy told me, "Mistakes are mistakes. He cant undo them. But he is still here trying to make up to you. You need to learn to forgive & let go. Have faith & try again. I bet he is waiting & not giving up. In marriage you gotta learn to be more forgiving & accomodating. You need patience. Give both of u time & if u still feel unhappy like its eating u up inside, den make a decision. But pls try. " Why does it feel like i shld be the one giving in? Am i really so blinded by his act. Or is it im too tired of being hurt the safest thing to do is shut myself up? So i wont feel the pain, wont have to deal with this.

Dear god, if u hav to challenge me this way, if u hav to make me learn smt, pls give me enough strength & hope & faith. Let me see what he is trying to do. Show me his sincerity if ive been blinded. Lead me the way...

Till then.....

"One day you'll love me, the way I loved you.

One day you'll think of me the way I thought of you.

One day you'll cry for me, the way I cried for you.

One day you'll want me, but I won't want you.."

Dear diary

2012-01-05T11:51:00.003+08:00

I need place that i can rant out without having to pull back. Dear blog this is where i start to rant out freely, to u i shall go back to again.

Having that encounter didnt help at all. i tot i wld feel better. No i didnt. i felt an emptiness like ive never felt before. I dont want to feel the way i do yet i cant help it. When he kiss me, it seem to sting my skin, tears flowing. When he seek to embrace me its more den i can take. Smt its too much that i felt like breaking free. I ask myself sometimes could i be without him? The answer i got was: I want to try. Thats the scary part. The answer should be a straight no i cant. I know victory was on my side. I made her feel small. Im way hotter den her, im way better. She knows it too coz she articulate it to me. But somehow i dun feel so victorious. So what if i won. She did way better. She fuck, she left. Leaving me & him with a mess so big i dun even know where to start. I dun even think i wanna clean up. I know he is trying. But y does it seem to me not hard enough? He seem to take my smiles for granted. Or am i juz expecting too much? On some days im ok, i miss him. I wanna be around him. On other days, the emptiness & hurt are too painful to think abt. And when i speak bad abt HER, he doesnt join in, he has that sick puppy look still. As if it still hurt talking abt her. For how long do i hav to live with this. Can we juz break away for awhile? Till i learn to cope with this myself?

Till Next time...

"Cause what we had was built on lies,

And our love seems to fade away..."

2011-11-10T17:13:00.003+08:00

The day is TOMORROW!!! Heheheh excited much. im already wearing the inai. When i woke up this morning first thing i thought was " Ohh shit im really getting married tml!"

But its really not easy problem after problem we face. Finally tml is the NIKAH. I can only hope that everything goes as smoothly as possible for both days.

Ive found the one havent i? Insyallah.

Will update in a couple of days time!

Count down 1day to go!

2011-10-31T12:03:00.002+08:00

Days..Im letting it drag for days..Im too disappointed & tired to deal with everythin myself. He is busy working. So am i. Im not leading life like a queen am i? I believe its time management. I cant deal with it all. Ive been taking care of everythin myself. If i assign a task, it never gets done on time. Always having to chase for it. I HATE chasing. Its like a broken record going on & on. HATE IT! This must be the longest i hav "merajuk". I have no drive to plan the wedding for the last few days already. Let it run on its on. Now i know y couples always feel like calling it off for the last lap. Its too stressful..I dunno how ppl can do it over & over again more than once.

I know he tries to pujuk asking me to meet him. Im afraid if i give in, ill face a new set of disppointment. And i do not hav any more energy left. Ya allah pls give me strength to go thru watever it is u hav for us..

2011-10-26T21:34:00.004+08:00

When visitting to our "new" home today at Punggol. I was practically screaming for joy when i reach..i practically wanted to jump in his arms.

The place is absolutely gorgeous! Smt like Parc Lumiere that i wanted. This is like a dream come true. its located opp the park & MRt. Definitely a plus point if we r selling in the future. Insyallah we will get the unit that we are aiming for..SO EXCITED!!!!

Time Check:- 15days 20hours. (OMG!)

Sales of Balance flat Sep 2011

2011-10-25T15:44:00.003+08:00

Remember we applied for the sale of balance flat exercise in Sep 2011? I was anxiously waiting for it n eventually gave up coz i was late in submitting the HLE form and stuffs. This morning i was so stressed up regarding work station shuffling that i had to go thru n was upsetly checking my emails. I saw Application for Flat under September 2011 Sale of Balance Flats Exercise.‏ With a heavy heart i was already mentally kicking myself for yet again failing.Then i read..."We have conducted the computer ballot and your queue position to select a flat is 2." I swear i could hav jump off my seat. ELATED!! Didnt expect it. Alhamdulilah rezeki tuhan. I shared the news with Ian n he was busy ranting how we will hav a home w/o anythin except a bed.. Ohh who cares! hehe I told my sister and she was happy for me..she say rezeki org kahwin la..Am seriously happy! Tears welling already. Tears of joy..

Tml might be going ard Punggol to see which one is our potential new house!! Weeeee~~~!

Wedding updates.

2011-10-18T22:29:00.003+08:00

Wedding updates:-

-Finally the cards are here..Now busy with filling it up, how to invite, how many ppl in total..yada yada...After one stress comes another.

-Pantang has been shorten from 1month to probably a week or 2. Its juz not possible. I feel so darn lost w/o him. I start having palpitations during the day & sleepless nite. At times sobbing myself to sleep. Its so unexplainable y i felt this way..Until we met. When we decided to meet, i held him so tight i didnt wanna let go. And i realize one thing:- I juz cant be without him. Let me marry him already dear god. I promise to love him & cherish him with all i could.

-Im done with this wedding stress. It sets me thinking, how cld anyone do this more den once?? the stress of planning & getting it all together is juz too much to bare.Its crazy!! I juz hope everythin goes well and the one above shall protect our love & marriage. Insyallah.

Countdown: 23days, 19 hours & 24mins.

Bed Shopping

2011-10-01T09:45:00.004+08:00

Who would have taught bed shopping would be so dreaded n draggy n so difficult.. We hav gone up & down to courts & ikea, somehow it juz doesnt seem rite. As if we are being forced to choose any bed. His mum suggested IMM one day. but still me not keen,afraid of the dissapointment ill face. Braved the chance anyway yestrdy. I mean no harm tryin rite..

Have u ever felt that if something is meant for u, u will find it? That's exactly how i felt when i saw THE bed!! After much negotiations from the nice salesman, we decided to get it! Bamboo/charcoal orthopaedic mattress, 5-zone spring, awesome storage, juz the right height for both of us. It was the ultimate perfect bed for us. Cost:- Juz $99 over budget. But very worth it!

Sadly i do not have a picture of the bed frame. In my excitement, i totally forgot to snap a pic of it. Can u believe it, i was too excited that i got tired to even look for the dresser table. Ohh well that's another day of excitement. Delivery date is 28 Oct. Nervous. Its October already ppl! Exactly 41days to go!!!!

Pretend all you want.

2011-09-23T15:51:00.002+08:00

Something is bothering me.

Why is it that i feel like people hav a tall order wen they look at me? I do not like the looks on their faces nor do i like the tone they use on me to speak. Ohh well at least i am not a walking slut pretending im single. Nor am i tryin so hard to fit it with cuzzies or makciks whichever who will hav me on certain days. Pretenders n it makes me hurl. Really. Hate it. Period.

Wedding is coming up. More $$$ needed to pour out of our pockets. feeling the stress. But i know we need to keep positive. Its only a month away. House & HLE applied for the 2nd time. Crossing our fingers to get that Punggol house. Ohh pls pls pls! In short i really cant wait to get married. I know a whole new life waiting for me & him. Exciting & scary but im ready. =)

Hope everythin will go as smooth sailing as possible.

R8 vs Lambo spyder

2011-09-15T14:43:00.003+08:00

Past two days hav been a neverending battle against a decision. An Audi R8 or a Lamborghini Gallardo spyder. Haiz. Its only a car. Yet i felt like it was choosing between a long time lover or a heartthrob dream guy, u know ull never get. But there it was both standing in front of u asking u to choose. My dream was always to drive my dream car- white Lambo. No more,no less. Can i throw away this dream of mine for something bigger, something that i ever thought of but never toy with the idea. Hmmmm better make up this mind. Everyone chose the R8-including the beloved one.

So so blessed with this big oppurtunity to drive an Audi R8 juz for one nite. Sometimes i wish i do not have a thing for cars. When men talk abt cars n i get bored. It doesnt happen. I am actually interested. Heck i get excited thinking n talking abt it. The sound of an engine roaring intrigued me. Make me breathless, make my heart skip a beat. Yet guys who doesnt know me always think im a pretty face looking for a pretty car. Pls eh! I hav more substance den that. I know more abt them den mayb u do. When guys talk abt wat pipe to get, i jot down notes. N girls they r dating, endlessly hates me juz coz i know more abt wat their partner are talkin abt. Ok im rambling here..hehe In short, i juz love cars. Supercars at that. Period.

Time check:- 57 more days.

2011-09-06T15:47:00.002+08:00

Weee finally! JCI is over, hari raya is 1 week over..Now back to planning for wedding again. Have to clear as much as possible. Ystrdy was bed shopping..More bed shopping to come, there's the ring to collect, etc etc...Haiz will be a busy2 last 2 mths for me & him. Counting down the day that we cant meet..The ultimate challenge! Hehe..

So tired lately..No me time..but i know all will be over soon..

**Going KKH to visit a close fren later.

If you only knew..

2011-08-18T11:08:00.002+08:00

After all this time, i thought i had gotten over it when in fact i have only manage to suppress it. The fear i have been leaving with still lingers. Strange. He only turn away from me n raise his voice, but it stirs up such violent emotion in me. Or is it lately that he was bit grumpy n temperamental that it triggers it. Doesn't help that the big day is coming in 85days time. Thoughts of him having cold feet makes me have the cold feet. Is he the one? darn of coz he is. It was a bad Tuesday. Both left hurt & unjustified.

Ystrdy everything was out in the open. At least whatever issues we have. Funny how when we stop hugging or having any form of physical touch, everything seems to spun out of control. Emotions out of the window. What bug me was, how i always seem to be waiting for his 'ugly' head to come out. Its as if im waiting for him to misbehave,to treat me badly, some form of verbal abuse..And countless times he is not. Why cant i get over this fear that he is a good man, not someone who will hurt me. Whenever he raise he voice slightly or qns me in a stern manner, i find myself caving in, piling up the walls so he wont get thru to me. Its ridiculous. I trust him with my whole life so why is it the fear keep surfacing up.

Idris, u have ruin my life more than i realize. But im thankful coz what u did made me found Ian, a man who took care of me more than i could ask for, more than i often realize. His intention always doubted but always patient enough to keep me in his prayers for me to open up my heart. He never gives up on me. For that im thankful. So im praying for myself that ill get over the pain n fear u caused me. Let me move on in my life. Let me appreciate him n love him wholeheartledly like he deserve. Pls pls remove this fear from me. I do not like to live as such. He is not gonna pay for what you did.

"Thank you for keeping me in yr doas all this time,

thank you for never giving up on me...

I promise to love u always even when it feels wrong..."

Think Baby Blue N Soft pink

2011-07-28T11:30:00.002+08:00

Think Baby Blue N Soft pink...

Im all excited now..When to finalize some details over at Cherizsta Bridal. Even mama is excited now..Alhamdulilah..So far so good our preparation. Less than 4mths to go. Ya allah,kau sempurna kan la niat aku ini..

Ian told me some stuff his mum told us. Im very fond of the parents. Though some events might hav jeopardize that..Despite all that, though i hate to admit, i love them like they are my own. I felt grateful that mine as well as his patience especially paid off.. The almighty is fair. Masa aje yg menentukan. For all her crap to be shown. And that bastard will get it too. Not that im mean. Its juz i hav not forgotten his facial expression wen he challenge my fiance till his hand was fractured. I swear i cld hav blown of his face with my fist. Im still waiting for one wrong move. Waiting for him to go down with all this shit piled up over his head. Juz how long does he think he will get away with all the things he hav done to women? Ohhh im so not gonna go there. Pegi la mampos..

"What goes round comes round.."

Marriage Course

2011-07-25T11:53:00.003+08:00

Alhamdulillah! We are done with the course. Tiring & frustrating as it is sitting down from 9-6pm on weekends. We learn alot though. The sunnah, the hukum, the rights & responsibility of husband & wife. The doa when the husband first saw the wife.

Day1:

-Food caterred from Lagun sari is seriously not nice.

-The 1st session was on personality test. That was awesome. I love it. N each time i get a little emotional. 2nd session from ustaz zul is so dry i bet half of the room has turn zombie-ish.

-Aft the course head over to Nex. That cheered me up alot. Found our wedding rings by chance while looking for my Mahr. Finally i could satisfy my cravings for swissbake rolls.

-Ian slept at my house. both were exhausted.

Day 2:-

-Food still as sucky that we went down to the nearest coffeshop to hav our meal. (and ice kachang for him!)

-Today's itinery was awesome too. Really funny n not so boring. Interesting infact.

-Class is over n off we go to Sentosa Boardwalk to get my VS perfume set.

-Dead dead tired. ZZZzzzzzzzzzz!

Tml still need to work..seriously tiring. Thats an entire week of waking up in the mornin for me. 7days straight.

"Our "COE"!!

Susela-PRS

2011-07-21T09:05:00.003+08:00

A fren, a good colleague of mine. Quit today.

There must be an underlying reason. suspected she was terminated for her case. But who r we to say rite. Im genuinely sad. She has taught me alot. Both work wise & life. Sigh..I believe there is a blessing in disguise. Blessing for us to all step up now that the air is clear? Ill leave it to the one above to decide.

"If you lose your way think back on yesterday.."

2011-07-20T11:50:00.002+08:00

4 months now & counting...

Been thru tremendous ups & downs. Some threatening to bring us down. Sometimes the qns "is this wedding even meant to be" pop up but i quickly push it back. For i know & ive learn tat all this is a test for him n myself. Im no longer miss perfect. And if felt so good? Haha im juz enjoying the ride of all the plannings,still looking forward to the Big day. Still hoping that all will work out. Insyallah. Money is a headache as usual. Its never enough. Worries me.

On another note, me & him doing alot good. Feels like we kept falling for each other over & over again. That's a good thing. Going for our course this weekend and pretty excited abt it.

Ystrdy was looking for the Mas Kahwin. What a headache. His mum says hav to get gold or diamond. I wear neither. While the rest of the people i check with (my mum,sis & dad) has no objection in me gettin white or rose gold. And its always my mum's words against his. No doubt we prefer my mum's way but i dun wan my future mother in law to feel the pinch either. Its not fair. Eventhough she is not involve in the wedding financially, i wld like her to still hav opinions on some. Though i know its kinda unfair too coz my parents are forking out a big share. OMG see see..family conflicts even before im married..

For now im juz gonna concentrate on u & me.

"Because tonight will be the night

That I will fall for you over again.."

2011-01-14T11:12:00.003+08:00

Dnd was such a total bore. And juz what's up with his frens having girlfrends n suddenly being so clingy to their partners. Kau mcm step mane nye jambu je step all the other POs nak kenal2. Juz irritates me not that im jealous of what. But this guys are those fun bunch where we use to lepak,LKS late at nite. Those days were gone. Each n everyone so clingy. Juz left Khalid & Izzat. Urgh annoyin! Anyhoos Elly was there too so it was a plus point. Ianstarr looks ooooo so hot with his black shirt & black coat. With his husky voice,juz make him even more appealin. Yes im still talking abt my fiance here..Hehe..We had a mini complimentary photoshoot and im suddenly so excited abt going to our Indoor & Outdoor wedding shoot! It ended quite late at nite. Was home only at 12.45. By 1.30am i was fast asleep n forgot all abt my alarm. Lucky mama called out my name to wake me up.

Strangely everytime im lack of sleep i function better at work. Im so gonna catch up on some more sleep during lunch time. Till Next time.

"Didnt know how much i miss you,until you were gone.."

2011-01-13T09:13:00.006+08:00

Ystrdy juz cldnt get myself away from him. I rush thru my own company dinner to wait for him along Liang Court bus stop. I find myself anxiously anticipating his arrival, i worry for his safety as the road was wet. I could not understand my anxiety.Was so relieved wen i saw his white gilera making a u-turn. Wanted to hug him there and den but there was a fellow colleague (makcik!) so i juz salam him. He kept staring at me the entire time we are together. Was it relieve i see reflected in his eyes? He retold me the event with a much fuller details. And i realized juz how much near misses he had with that parang. He was indeed very lucky to have escape unscathed. Ya allah, thank you for watching & protecting my love one. The prisoner had a good fair share of abuse by his fellow colleagues.He deserve that. I know its for a start n he will be dealt with.

I felt like that incident was an eye opener for me,for him,for us. Its a learning lesson for me to appreciate him n not always be so hard on him. To love him more,to be as kind & gentle to him as he is to me. Its an eye opener for me to be what i am when we were first together. To always tell him each & everytime that i love him very much. Sigh probably Allah is showing us the way to be a better husband & wife in the future. It also made me believe in Allah more. That the Al-mighty shall watch over him.

Sigh now im missin him yet again. He must be fast asleep still. I cldnt sleep that well last nite. Dini was a being a beautiful monster. Urgh! Wanna scold her cannot coz not everyday she sleeps with me. Mcm nak gigit dia tau. Im looking forward to SPF Dnd later. Going with him of coz. Till later..

"I pray when it's time for me to say, "Goodbye"

I'll never forget looking in your eyes
I pray that I feel your touch
And that God doesn't forget our love
I pray when I close my eyes
I can still see visions of you on my mind
I pray that I see you in another life
I pray that you still by my side

You know with each day that passes by
I pray to God I'll never forget who you are
You mean everything to me, I love you.."

2011-01-12T15:56:00.002+08:00

He called. Sounding so calm still. And then he broke the news. Apparently last nite a bloody complainant called for Police assistance yet attack him with a parang right after he exit the lift. He was right i could never imagine how he must hav felt at that point of time. He told me,the first thing that came to mind was me. Next was a glimpse of our wedding. Probably that gave him the strength to overcome the shock & react in time. Lucky his partner was not so legung like POH or stupid MARK. All i felt was rage at the bloody person. A person with no image in my head. I cld juz slice his dick really thinly n painfully & stuff it in his mouth for him to chew the next time i pounce upon him. Bloody hell wtf was he thinking?

I cant wait to see him later. He's probably still recovering from shock and is fast alseep. Hopefully not gettin any nitemares. Speaking of the devil. He juz texted me. Im gonna give him a good hug later.

"Please keep him safe for i wont know what i would do if i lose my bestfren.."

Horrible Monday

2011-01-10T08:38:00.000+08:00

There is nothing that doesnt go wrong today.Juz seriously wat the hell with 10 JAN??!! By 10am i manage to be screwed by patient,his bloody daughter and some other irritaiting stuffs. All becoz i was tryin to help? Guess the famous words of "it doesnt pays to be nice" is really true..Especially to bloody singaporeans. Just who do they think they are? When i reach home it doesnt help that i rush to make chocolates but the bloody customer didnt turn up. On top of that i flood the kitchen,fought with my sister. Starr called me up sayin he too had a bad day..Just wats wrong with 10/1/11?? Idiotic date. And to whoever who has been bitchin abt how he performs today. Screw u! Mulut jgn sedap ckp je. Motor kau ade insurance kan?Make sure so does yr mouth..CB! Urgh im so not in the mood to blog much for today..Screw today..Let me juz sleep it all away..

"When i vow to protect you,

Ill protect you with all i have..

No one shall hurt you.."

2011-01-03T09:10:00.015+08:00

The more i see you lately the more im in love with you.Its been 5years we are together but still the love i feel for u juz deepen with each passing day. We hav 10 more mths!! Argh thinking abt it im having palpitations. Over the weekends i see enough wedding to worry abt mine.What ive learn though was that Never expect perfection on the Big day. And for Little Miss Perfect here its so tough. Funny thing is,im nvr the one for perfection.Must be hard knocks of life turning me like this.Well we can always juz plan.Watever happens,happens.At the end of the day i know ill be married.Hehe..

"When I first saw you, I saw love
And the first time you touched me, I felt love
And after all this time, you're still the one I love

Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we'd get there someday

They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong

You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

Ain't nothin' better
We beat the odds together
I'm glad we didn't listen
Look at what we would be missin'

I'm so glad we made it
Look how far we've come my baby"

A freak incident

2011-01-02T08:50:00.003+08:00

Terrible drama. Of all the things that happen to me, My tampon got lost inside me!! Ive been on that for so long n of all the days, it has to happen. Imagine my panic and the only one with me was Ianstarr. Called my fellow colleague whom i juz parted with wanting to seek her help but she was uncontactable.No choice-Admit myself to KKH A&E. Upon reaching, the doctor was some doctor i ever work with in CGH. I couldnt care less abt being embarrass,coz i juz want him to get it out.Imagine my shock when he told me "Its not there". He had to insert the speculum twice of different sizes as well as use manual investigations. But he said "Still dont have.Probably it drop out.Unlikely that its stuck at yr uterus" So with that i step out of the clinic feeling slightly relieved but very puzzled! Im still puzzled on where can the tampons be. And being me-someone whom will nvr learn, still ask the doctor "So is it still safe to insert?" Hahaha and my fiance juz look at me in disbelief.Knowing his fiancee is a very very stubborn girl.Hehhee..The damage? $60 and a whole load of worry!

2011..Its finally Here!

2011-01-01T18:18:00.004+08:00

Happy new year!!! 2011 is finally here.The year ive been waiting for.

New year @ Dempsey was magical.Better that ive ever expected. Me & mr ianstarr has only celebrated new year abt once. Probably abt 3-4years ago wen u juz known each other. This year we decided to celebrate as insyallah its a big year for us.
Bought pizza,donuts & titbits.Drove over to Dempsey.So unexpectedly magical with lights all over the trees as well as live bands. I was in an emo mood.
Last 2days was reading up my blog from 2005. My heart juz swell for i realize the love i had for him has grown so much deeper than i know.

Ianstarr,i will always love you.

What Ive been through

2010-03-28T10:31:00.002+08:00

Been so long ya..hehe..pass few mths has been crazy...each step threatening to bring me down..but i continue to tell myself to stand tall..Workin as a private nurse sucks..its a mistake route..but i learn how the other side lives..its not fair..rich bastards..but heck..ive soon develop the fear of goin to some rich ppl's house to work.coz they always r an ass...well perhaps they think money cld buy anythin..u r being treated like maids..not nurses..Ive put tat far behind me..now startin to work in a new place..hopin for better luck there..Next few mths need to use my pay only to pay the pplz tat i owe..even my sis n mum..coz i dun like to use pplz money actually..desperate measures for my engagement..

My engagement was a lovely event..im sure whoever seen the photos will tell me the same...lovely n nice on the outside...but what my family,me n my fiance has gone thru no one will know..so if u ppl wanna say tat im rich or hav spend alot of money on my engagement but takde duit nak bayar utang...ckp la..i honestly dun give a fuck..coz i tink tat its none of yr biznes..my family helped me alot thru this dark period to make it happen..if not i wld hav personally call off the engagement..its too tight n headache..but berkat mak bapak agaknye...everythin goes well...as usual being typical malays...some of them juz cant see me happy...my event abit nice,or dulang byk sikit..mesti ckp..wah mesti byk duit..ahahh...of coz i bought all my dulang things before i got jobless..coz i prefer early planning..seriously susahkan kau ke ape aku buat..Some pplz got more stupid when they are married strange huh..i tot only spinters got stupid...mayb too much fats in the brain..hahhaha...Well watever...i lost my voice wonder how im gonna go work tml..but im lookin forward to it..lookin forward to my own paycheck again..ive always been independant w money since young..so its really horrible wen i stop for awhile..Fiance had to support me but i dun like it..he showers me w everythin n make sure i get wat i wanted but its not the same..i wan my own..heheh...throughout everythin he has been lovely as usual..even more now tat we r engaged..so nothin can bring me down...coz i always hav him to bring me up..

K chiao stupid ppl...=)

Addicted to online shopping

2009-12-03T15:17:00.002+08:00

Ohh my its been a week plus since i work..no money already damn it..die la like this..i hav a $300 Victoria Secret stuff i hav to pay n some other things as well as my chocolate equipments..im setting up a chocolate bizness..dunno how it will turn out but i hope it will be good..coz im quite serious abt this thing..So wish me luck..on top of all this long list of bills...im still addicted to online shopping...ohh someone plz help me im soooo addicted...if i hav my own credit card tats it..ill juz key in all the numbers n buy smt..n this is coming from someone who doesnt like to go out n shop..unbelievable..honestly singapore is such a boring place to shop..all the goodies are online..hehe cant help it..Letting those fingers go *click click click....or gosh...i need to work!!

Merisik

2009-11-27T22:10:00.000+08:00

Didnt feel wat im suppose to feel...the excitement dies down last nite..making me second tots..but by 6pm..i was feelin nervous..it was the first time i had to serve drinks to guests n my hands are trembling like crazy..Nevertheless it went off smoothly..My parents n his parents agreeing on the terms,presenting me with the merisik ring..So it was agreed tat we will get engaged in march.dates are yet to be confirmed..Ill be a busy bee soon..collectin money n stuff..damn im feelin the pressure already..

Been too long..

2009-11-04T14:04:00.002+08:00

Been stayin away from bloggin far too long..alot has happen from my last april entry up to now Nov already..how time flies..OK exciting news is that Ian proposed to me on my bday..haha yes on 27April 2009 he made it official that we are going somewhere with our relationship after 3 years of dating..This Nov 29 marks our 4th yr of dating..His parents are coming in abt 23 days to "merisik" how exciting..nerve wrecking as well..everythin is almost bought.except for my bag as well as his suit/helmet. Decorations needs to be done for the dulang and mak andam all tat other den tat its pretty set.
I quit from CGH..yup cldnt stand with all the bitches entering my ward anymore..so now im workin at the agency..its so flexi tat my mum n myself r worried..coz if u dun work no pay..so tats y..i kept pestering them for work though.. so far so good..earnin n enjoyin my break from work..thinkin of joinin HNITEC in paramedic next year..to get into poly to i can be Staff nurse..n we r plannin to get married in 2yrs time 2011.
Hopefully everythin falls into place..i promise to update more regularly now..hehe its this Facebook im tellin u..so annoyin...haha Till Next Time

"Things havent been easy for us,
But i gave u my word,
If love is blind,
I'll find a way with you.."

2009-04-23T23:16:00.002+08:00

Sigh is it too much to be asked to be doted upon..to be treated a little like a princess like u promised me..

I would give u the world..

But what would u give me?

It all comes down to the fact that im always the one asking too much..

Sigh....

2009-04-15T02:38:00.001+08:00

Going on a date with him still feels magical at times..its like those first few dates we had..Ystrdy was one of those days..When to catch a movie "Fast & Furious 4" good movie..the cars are hot..i like fast cars plus my subaru is on tv..hehe..After tat we walk ard at suntec howver ended up at Airport Swensens.We talk alot & catch up on the days we didnt get to tok..was sitting at swensens pretty late..till abt 11 plus..After which we ride down to his place as he had to meet someone..So i was at his house till 12 plus & his parents still tok to me as if its still early..his parents & my parents are much more open & relax to us nowadays..i take it as a good sign..insyallah..jodoh kita akan di restui..Did i mention that my tinted visor broke again while riding in the fast lane?irritatin..now gotta find a replacement again..n i only like tinted visor..i know i always sound like a spoilt bitch..but its ian's fault ok.coz he spoilt me..hehe..anyway We drove ard for awhile after tat..and i guess we got really sleepy by den its already 1plus.can u imagine why we never go clubbin?coz we r always sleepy very early..haiz..no hope la..the latest we stayed up is probably abt 3-4am.den zonked out.
I got pics to upload for our outin yrstdy..but my darlin here is sick so gotta wait for it la..bluek.
Till Next Time.

2009-04-09T04:29:00.002+08:00

My Birthday Wants List:

Nintendo DS
Perfumes (Midnite by Britney, Salvatore Ferragamo)
Ice Cream Phone
Polaroid Camera (though i know i suck in taking pictures)
Coach Bag ( seriously not a need but well....*winks)
Dresses
Slimming treatment wld be nice (haha ok im insane)

Im not hinting here ok..ill probably get this things on my own..For my april pay i shall indulge alittle in myself n get perfumes, dresses & perhaps that Nintendo Ive been eyein for ages.Played Ayu's one n i like it. hehe or ill get my sis to get it for me..haha she will for sure scold me & call me childish.Only ian allows me to indulge in this kiddy stuff.

2009-04-08T04:15:00.001+08:00

Im on nite shift again.N tonight started out bad. 1030 i had one death case. Then a couple of ill patients.On top of that i hav 2 confuse patient,one kept climbing out of bed.the other kept cryin..ohh gosh im havin a headache already la. But time pass by so fast.
The news he gave me made me very happy.things are quite goin as plan so far.i cant believe his parents agreed!! Now juz waitin for him to make things official =)
VS is having sale so i organizing another spree. Gettin that 2 dress im eyein as well as 8body lotion/gels/mist coz its goin at 8/$35 so damn cheap la! hehhe..And cant tear my eyes away from the website..till i got ayu,farhana & Zahidah infected also. haha good my spree buddies =)
im so darn sleepy & bored..counting down the hrs till this shift is over..abt 3 hrs to go..yey!

2009-04-04T04:02:00.000+08:00

Lately been busy..didnt have much time to update.Was rarely at the pc..ok thats a lie..mayb facebook has been keeping me busy. Tetsuya has proudly annouced he has a new gf..brenda cheh! so proud of his darn chinese girl..he tinks its so cool..da la tak cuci bawa cina2 ni semua..ok now im gonna sound insanely jealous.which im not..its juz he is so arrogant abt it..kept sayin his frens are all jealous of him coz his chinese gf is so pretty & actually has boobs. WATEVER! n kept stating in facebook that Hazwan loves Brenda.Plz give me a break..im abt to vomit blood already ok.im in love with ian for 3yrs now..n i dun find myself statin it to the entire world..ok thats another lie..hehe i tink i did..cloud nine moments i gues..well i tink i still do smt..well to hell with the arrogant bastard.break baru tau.Erk ok i take that back.He is my good fren afterall so i had wish him all the best n thank god he found someone like finally.haha
Went to Alyia engagement today with ian and all my colleagues.It was a simple affair but abit too many ppl i tink..So the kecohz wen all this minahs meet up.haha ian has yet to pass me the pics so will upload ltr wen i hav it. Till Next Time..

Ian's 21 Bday

2009-04-01T02:46:00.005+08:00

His Birthday Celebration was a blast i cant believe i manage to pull it off..haha cost me quite abit..but juz say it was worth it. Happy Birthday Love!

Love u lots starr! Hope you enjoy the surprise.

2009-03-29T00:25:00.001+08:00

Went to Heeren.
Bought him a gift secretly.
Nvr seen him so jealous.
I tink he looks cute being jealous n all that.
Sorry it got out of hand.
Ianstarr u mean the world to me.
No one will make feel the way you do.
Im sorry. =(

Pre Birthday Dinner @ Carousel

2009-03-23T04:12:00.000+08:00

Pre Birthday Dinner @ Carousel

Lately me and the sister seems to be bestie..haha..well its nice double dating with her friend Aki.Went out for dinner.

Lotsa Love,

Femme

2009-03-22T01:30:00.002+08:00

VS IS HAVING SALE FOR THEIR DRESSESS!!

They are so cruel! Y must they hav sale when i cant buy anythin??Im tight this mth..its Ian bday so im like very tight with all the planning.. =( this is sad..boo hoo hoo!
On top of tat ive been eyein that Coach bag..damn damn damn..juz not my luck..ok i better stop online shopping..its very bad..hehe..
I better sleep now..nites..

2009-03-16T02:36:00.002+08:00

Didnt go for Alfian engagement. Somebody D-I-T-C-H me...i was sooo mad...sigh...nak pegi pun tak boleh..ape seh =( Dun care u better make up for it..i know im a spoiled girlfren..but i make a lovable one too..hehe
Ayu called me up today..she funny la..i so envy her now..she is havin 2 guys to go out with her..best nye..*winks*
Im on nite again bored & cant wait till this is over..Ohh & im so craving for Oat Milk..my latest obsession.. =)

I feel Loved.

2009-03-15T02:11:00.002+08:00

Over 2 pizzas,a bowl of fried hotdogs,burger patties & crabsticks, 2 girls & 2guys get together at midnite,supposedly to hav a mini slumber party..after half of the things were in our stomachs,the guys called it quits..haha..i already know Ian will go to sleep straight after..tak tau ape syndrome dia ade..but he will always sleep after meals..seriously like snake..Ayu's fren Aki was apparently also a heavy sleeper..So it was left us girls..and as usual wen girls get together,we indulge in GOSSIPS...hahah..
I really enjoyed talkin to her last nite..its been while i laughed so hard gossiping with a girlfren..We tok abt her family,her fiance & current fren,abt ian abt ourselves..and i got to know Ian's family better..Seeing him vulnerably asleep beside me while me & Ayu is talkin abt him is a lovely feelin..i feel so much more love for him last nite..I went home at 4am feelin contented and happier..i felt asleep with a smile on my face.Ian called at 6am sayin he miss me over & over again..till he cldnt sleep (which i found out in the mornin). Touchin la..hehe..
Im currently crackin my brains for his comin birthday..im runnin out of ideas!!SOmeone pls help..Ok as u all probably know im on nite shift again..i like nite shift coz no one is there to disturb u..ok peeps gotta go..tml goin for Ian fren (Alfian) engagement with Ellie..update soon.. =)

"I miss you more than u realize babe"
-ianstarr

2009-03-11T23:41:00.003+08:00

I send my aunt back home ystrdy..i was overwhelmed with sadness..And wen i hug my niece i saw her face so reluctant to pull away..yet she put on such a wide smile..n told us she'll be back..Actually my plan is to save money & go to melbourne with Ian this June..but he says:"cannot be..takle holiday byk2..mcm mane nak save duit..kate nak kahwin.." Haiya..i wan holiday! I want to go australia! Boo Hoo..

I am currently considering & finding sponsorship to see if i can further my studies in Australia..discuss this with Ian and he really encourage me to go..Nak carik gf lain agaknya!Hmph!..Told me he will join me in Aussie after he finish his bond which is like another 3yrs..I am so clueless on how to get sponsorship but im tryin to find agent for this..Juz widening my prospects..K im tired from work..gonna sleep already..

"True oppurtunity dont come twice,
Love like this doesnt either,
Im not gonna sacrifice anythin
For our love..

2009-03-08T23:17:00.001+08:00

Listening To: Stick With You by PCD

I don't wanna go another day,
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind.
Seems like everybody's breaking up
Throwing their love away,
But I know I got a good thing right here

Nobody gonna love me better
I must stick with you forever.
Nobody gonna take me higher
I must stick with you.
You know how to appreciate me
I must stick with you, my baby.
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I must stick with you.

Lately pizza & dvds seems to be the favourite to-do list for dates. Sarpinos double pepperoni is heaven!Ok my mouth is watering already thinkin abt it. Well as u can see im startin my meal replacement diet =( i seriously hav weight issues. Mr Ian is too nice to say it. but i know..so i need to act on it asap. Tryin hard & doin abit exercise here & there so no worries..hehe..
Nearly got into an accident ystrdy. The lorry juz turn out w/o double checkin first, i screamed so loud that Ian panic & chase the lorry. i was scared nvr seen him like that. He confronted the lorry driver and wanted to fine him but i told him to forget it. ( He is a PO if u guys are thinkin y he so ya-ya nak saman org..) It was the first time ever that i heard him shout or as he put it "raise his voice" and i tink he sound hot..so even at the midst of being scared,i smiled secretly behind my dark tinted visor. He hug me soon after n apologised that he had to raised his voice in front of me. So as u can see..in the 3yrs ive dated him,he nvr once shouted at anyone or me. If he shouted at me i wont ever think he is hot..i tink ill slap him..hehe..
We sat the Kallang River at the end of the day coz i felt like talkin..coz on days he work i dun call him much nor do we really tok abt things & we found out its a huge issue if we dun do that..so i make it an effort to sit & hav long toks on days that we go out. The trip to Batam really work wonders for my soul. Mcm detox therapy la haha..I enjoy listenin to him tok abt work & the silliness of his frens..i no longer feel vengence of any sort of irritated..so i guess we both feel better that way..i spend more time on myself now.I feel safe that nite..Safe for him to take care of me..i can take the back seat now & relax..coz ive given him time to grow..n he has step up to his responsibility of bein a man in the relationship. Couldnt hav ask for anythin more from him.

"I love u so much dear,
I will protect you,
I'll never let anyone hurt you
-ianstarr"

2009-03-06T03:20:00.004+08:00

I simply cannot get the tune "Thank god i found you" out of my head. All Doctor Belle fault..coz she had that ringtone & wen anyone call that song will come up.But it gives me a strange comforting feelin to be hummin that tune..Yup as u can guess im on nite shift now..with SN Anita..Soon to be SSN..ohh gosh..but okla she is not so bad i guess..better den another 2 ssn i cannot stand workin with her..stress & very tired..
Im so sad & disappointed that my application for Diploma was unsuccessful..Im at this same junction for 3years.This year i tot that probably i was nearin the main road..but i guess i was still far away..damn it..wen am i gonna get in..And this colleague of mine got to go..My NM send her but she isnt thrilled.she can still say at her blog & facebook that she dunno how to feel abt the news..to be happy or not she is confused..wat e fuck? if im in her place ill be super happy..things always happen to people who dun give a hood abt it or dun really want it..Damn it..y cant things happen to people who want it & those who doesnt want den no need to give them la..sigh life is so unfair..
Going back to work really make me feel stress again..im so dreaded to work..it feels so nice to be on leave..And my trip to batam was so so relaxing..i haven blog abt it coz Mr Ian still haven pass me the pictures..but i really love tat trip..it was a much needed get away..and the time there pass by so super slowly that me & him got to catcu up alot..n he quoted that we are so clingy during the entire trip as if we juz fallen in love with each other..we met a greater understandin during that period & we learn mroe things abt each other..It sunk both of us deeper into each other..which was a relief thinkin that back in January we broke up but now we manage to pull thru & perhaps feel more for each other now..It's true that what doesnt kill u only make u stronger..Hopefully my darlin will bring me to Harris Resort again in April for my birthday..hehe..nak holiday je ain..bila nak save duit nak kahwin..haha well i decided not to concentrate on that too much coz ill b the one so stress..so until he proposes den ill save money..which is probably abit too late..but well ill tink of smt wen it comes..hehe..Speakin of which i miss him la..yeah i know im clingy..well he is also startin to be like tat..haha..
Ohh ya my aunt from Melbourne is here..My niece called me twice already..i had a hard time havin a conversation with her firstly coz she speaks so softly & with a heavy accent..kinda hard wen yr not talkin face to face..but i manage to..it's heartbreakin to hear her askin me "Am i ever gonna meet u before i leave? I miss all my cousins." And i told her be it a white lie or not that im gonna meet her one way or another..I tink probably we are havin a get together this sat..to which i cant meet my baby love but if i cant ill meet u for breakfast ok love..
Cant wait for this shift to be over..im bored & sleepy already..Hav a lunch date with my sister ltr..been awhile..okla gotta do my rounds again..all my patients so naughty tonight dunno y..Till Later..

Green Light

2009-02-21T01:13:00.004+08:00

Listening To:Green Light by John Legend

Im so hook to this song..Lift up yr mood n make u dance no matter how upset u are..not that i am..pretty happy today..Woke up from sleep at abt 4pm..that causes me to meet the boyfren late..its ok he was out with his dad so technically it was good timing..Had to fetch some contact lens orders at Jurong..I wanna clear all my orders before going on leave or else they will tink i cabut or smt..Ian was probably high on sugars today n was acting silly all day long..tickles me n soon i was hook n gettin silly without knowing,finishin each other sentences..sweet la tu..haha..we had fun..it was a simple day of hanging out but enjoyable..
Tml is family day..been awhile..gonna hav bfast at Tekka with my parents! YEy..im craving for chapatti..used to hav it with Sofy smt but she is no longer my eating buddy la..she is eating so little..probably due to her work..mayb i shld meet her more..coz we hav this thing tat wen we meet each other we are always hungry..hmmm i wonder y wen we are close to some ppl tat we care for n love..they always make us hungrier den usual? Like Ian,Sofy & Siti is all close to me n each time i meet either of them we always seem to eat more den we usual wld..do u all feel the same way?hmmm i wonder if this theory is true..Anyways after tat gonna head to tanglin mall to send the kiddies to gym class..n den probably to Ikea..Im driving the STREAM tml...Yey!
Music & lyrics juz ended..i love that story..no matter how many times i see it..i still dun get bored..sighh...the story is sweet la..i likee...okla i better sleep now..tml long day den comes sunday..!! n i still haven pack my bags..

Good Nite,
Femme

Random #2

2009-02-20T02:39:00.006+08:00

I can be such an ass sometimes to him..probably coz im afraid to get hurt..darn it..i must really practice patience..i tink he was tired n started shoutin at me without knowin..or maybe its raising his voice..but it was enough to make me cry..ya i know..my bark is always worse den my bite..he was havin headaches n here i was carik pasal..sigh ain,ain yr so terrible u know..but i aplogize..i know im an ass..he is already asleep..miss him la..Tonight is my last nite workin!! YEY goin on leave already..yes babey..this is life..>>>>>>!!!!!!!! Cant wait for the trip..cant wait for my 3hrs massage..i need it..n of coz shoppingg...
My excitement is makin huda all excited also..she is now currently hook into searchin for good deals for Batam..haha goin with her boyfren i tink..Where the heck is my Victoria Secret?! Im waiting n waitin till my excitement dyin down already..i bought 3 bags n perfume set n some tops coz they are havin a sale..damn..i tink it'll only come next week..
Im so dead sleepy n as usual typin aimless n nonsense entries..bo pian la..Kla i better go peeps..

Nites..

2009-02-19T02:46:00.002+08:00

The weather lately is so horrible..Its scorching hot! Poor boyfren got sooo tan now from riding to & fro from my house..ask him to put on a jacket but he say its hotter tat way..It was so hot i felt tat my brains too were fried.haha bluek.
Left the house at 12noon today.wat a mistake it was so hot..but had to go to asia travel agency to pay for out Batam trip on sunday..im soo looking forward to this sunday..book ourselves a 3hr spa! YEY!! n i heard tat shopping is great there so im gonna prepare some cash for tat..but really lookin forward for the quiet moments..im tired...yala im always tired i know..hehe..Anyway we only spend abt an hr in the sun riding n cldnt take it anymore..got some food for my mum at Haig rd den decided to hav our lunch at Swensens..We had our usuals of Fish & Chips & Breaded Chicken..plus their pizza as well as Banana split..the moment both of us reach home..we were so dead tired already..felt asleep contentedly..
Lately i kept thinking of love..dunno y..cried wen me & him discuss this..after all this time it continues to haunt me..n i know it always will..miss love smt..n the feeling gets pretty overwhelming at times..but talkin to him abt it helps..n he too in his own ways tot n dreamt of love as well..Lately also i cant seem to sleep without my "pooh" i need to hug him den i can sleep well thru e nite..if not i cant sleep well..n since its a very hot weather..i am so discipline n wake up at 540 each mornin..
Im on nite shift now so writing random stuffs..looking forward to batam..the things i heard are soo cheap..was surfing the net n it only cost abt $1.90 to watch a movie on weekdays how cool is that! but dunno wat movies they are showing of coz..haha..One more nite n im off for a whole week of no work!! YEy!!..Okla my stupid smt SSN kept making noise already..gotta get back to work..Muackz!

Valentine Blues 2

2009-02-15T23:43:00.002+08:00

Some ppl hav all the luck la i tell u! U know at work juz now, a colleague of mine showed me her valentines gift which is check this out ok--A personalised ipod nano-chromatic especially shipped over from US for her!!! N it says "On this feb 14th and the other 364 days, I love you.." I cld juz faint..sooo romantic sooo nice..well im a sucker for personalised gifts coz it really shows tat only U hav it no one else..its simple but really super sweet..it really made me worse wen she asked me "so ain how did yr date go with yr bf?" n i had to dodge the qns by sayin "ummm i didnt go out he had to work so watever.." depressin,depressing...sigh..She is so lucky this guy has been wooing her for 2yrs now..but they still haven officialize things..great huh..to always be in love at that stage..hmmm...sigh....
*swooning and daydreaming...*

2009-02-14T23:00:00.002+08:00

"I've been living with a shadow overhead,
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed,
I've been lonely for so long,
Trapped in the past,
I just can't seem to move on.

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away,
Just in case I ever need them again someday,
I've been setting aside time,
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine,
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs,
I know that it's out there,
There's got to be something from my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light,
Not somebody just to get me through the night,
I could use some direction,
And I'm open to your suggestions.

All I wanna do is find a way back into love.
I can't make it through without a way back into love.
And if I open my heart again,
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end!

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I wanna do is find a way back into love,
I can't make it through without a way back into love,
And if I open my heart to you,
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do,
And if you help me to start again,
You know that I'll be there for you in the end.."

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
-Eventhough someone is a non believer..i still am coz i dun care what the history is abt..i juz know its a day lovers celebrate it together..and im a believer of love & fate..so even if every year i end up disappointed..i can always hope rite?..hhmmm =(

2009-02-13T11:54:00.001+08:00

"Our kiss is always the first,
Our touch is never the same,
and our love will never grow apart.."

-ianstarr

I had a really good break..though abit cranky but i enjoy it..=)

2009-02-10T22:27:00.002+08:00

This always happens..wen i feel like updating den suddenly i dunno wat too blog so irritating..
Anyways juz an update..im No.1 client under Ms Soffi..hehe she is currently a financial advisor & taking care of my savings..this is so cool..coz she is my bestfren n i trust her with all my life (or money!) hehe Good luck babe..im sure ull do best!
Lately im so demoralized.My colleague who is my junior,was told by my NM to go apply for poly coz the hosp is sponsoring her..im sooo jealous..n im as competent as her & work here longer..but sadly i hav a few cases on this shitty politics =( n i still haven got any replies from any school..this is really so depressing..im so cant be bothered to go to work..for wat?my efforts are not being seen..wth..Smt..ok no..life is always unfair to me..im sooo jinx..i always hav to work my ass off for smt..it always hav to be so difficult for me den i can get it..y cant it be more of a breeze like my sister..everythin she wants she gets i tell u!she dun even hav to try hard nor want it tat much..den again mayb if its so easy for me,den i wont appreaciate it?juz once i really hope smt work out for me..i really wanna go to school..damn it..this is so sickening..N my other colleagues kept rubbin it in my face n callin her "eh kau kan kita nye SN!" aaaaaaaargggghhhhhhhh...so frustrating............heeeeelpllllllllllllppppppp...okla i dun wanna tok abt it..its far to depressing..
My love life not exactly helpin either..ohh well such is life la...smt it gets so depressing i wish i can break down n cry n everythin will be ok..wat a crybaby ain! i know..i dun care..
Ok enough said..

2009-01-30T18:40:00.004+08:00

Im emotionally drained..didnt realize how drained i was till i collapse in his embrace..I laid there for a very long while..mixture of relieve n fear still mingling..he hug me but i didnt let the emotion penetrate..i laid there n felt so numb..i stayed that way for a long time..until he gave me a kiss n all hell broke loose..he kissed me like he hasnt kiss me for years (thats his exact words) ..n we kissed for a very long time..searchin for comfort,searchin for broken dreams n promises..tryin to reunite..kiss till our lips burn..
We clear most of our confusions..but the fear still live in me..i went home with horrible body aches ive nvr felt so tired in my life..i need pill for muscle relaxer tonight..funny how someone whom u know for years suddenly seem like a stranger..his touch felt strange..his kiss seem to burn on my lips..but i miss him..miss him very much..but i still feel guarded..afraid he'll break n run if i let mu guard down..probably it needs time..but he still makes me smile so instantly..the moment he came out of his lift he said "wow u look beautiful.."now how can a girl not smile at that sentence..i can only manage a weak smile..afraid..very afraid..im tired..i need to rest alot now..
He's asleep probably now with a smile on his face rather den sleepin with his eyes swollen..hopefully wen he wakes up he wont think twice n ran again..im too tired to chase..this migraine is horrid..

Love,
Femme

Evrythin has a price to pay..

2009-01-28T02:22:00.001+08:00

He wont talk to me..he said he is not ready to meet me..my calls are unanswered..i guess this is really the end..i juz wish he will say smt..tell me wat he thinks of everythin..i guess what goes round really comes round..i did this to idris wen we broke up..so its my turn to pay back..sigh..im so clueless on wat to do..i cant do anythin but stare at everythin..i cant stop thinkin..im tired..hav not slept properly,nor eat properly..ive lost 2kg..wow i tink tats the only good thing abt break ups..u lose weight effortlessly..this is killin me..god plz give me strength..im down on bended knees already..

" Still feels like our first night together
Feels like the first kiss, its gettin better baby
No one can better this...
Still holdin on, youre still the one
First time our eyes met, same feelin I get
Only feels much stronger, wanna love ya longer
You still turn the fire on...
So if youre feelin lonely dont
Youre the only one I ever want
I only wanna make it good
So if I love ya a little more than I should
Please forgive me, I know not what I do...
i cant stop lovin you

Dont deny me this pain Im going through...
if I need ya like I do
Please believe me every word I say is true...
our best times are together...
touch, still gettin closer baby
Cant get close enough...
Still holdin on, still number one
I remember the smell of your skin...everything
...all your moves...you,
...the nights ya know I still do...
...one thing Im sure of is the way we make love
And one thing I depend on is for us to stay strong
With every word and every breath Im prayin
Thats why Im sayin...
...never leave me I dont know what Id do..." -femme

It was never meant to be..

2009-01-27T02:22:00.002+08:00

I cried like i nvr did today..heartbroken..speechless..ive loved someone so much only to find out otherwise..devestated...yet as i sit here at this hour where everyone is asleep..i kept thinkin of him..mayb its my fault..i wasnt good enough for him..i didnt love him enough..or mayb...sigh...mayb there is so many things to blame..mayb if i scold him less..this wont hav happen..mayb if i was more patient we will still be together..but den again wats e point of bein together if we hav no future together..n y oh y did he hav to tell me after 3 whole years??n comin to our 3yrs 2mths anniversary too..if i didnt spur up the matter when wld he actually tell me tat he saw no future in us..Mayb all this happens for a reason..only god knows..my eyes is swollen,i can hardly eat anythin,i can hardly concentrate...pray hard i dun get medication error tonight..looks like its major heartbreak no.3..god how do i juz gonna get thru this shit..juz wen i tot ive found THE ONE..another prank played on me..well everyone gonna have their last laugh..Me?probably bawlin my eyes out till this heart no longer can feel pain..im sorry for all the pain ive caused..but im not sorry for lovin u as much as i did..i juz wish im more patient with u n tat im younger..

"Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and think of you and I wish on a star
That somewhere you are thinking of me too

'Cause I'm dreaming of you tonight
'Til tomorrow I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room dreaming about you and me.."

Forever Marriage?!

2009-01-26T13:29:00.005+08:00

This is gettin so sickening..Everywhere i go people are talkin abt settling down,engagements,marriage..heck it even boils down to watchin tvs & movies la! Imagine how irritatin tat is especially wen yr life is bloody stagnant..
Im up to my neck hearing ppl askin me "so bila kau nye turn..da lama seh kau ngan dia..kau da nak masuk 24.." dun ask me! ask him!! n stop tellin me im 24..i know i know..a few yrs back i visualize my life in a different way when im 24yrs old..but guess wat?life doesnt always turn up the way u want it to be..n probably i wont even end up with him..so there..it doesnt help tat at 22 his sister is the one gettin married this yr..AND SHE IS ALSO ASKIN ME WHEN IS MY TURN??!! ASK YR BROTHER PLZ! phew ok..i know im soundin so pissed..its juz not fair tat he dun seem to care a hoot abt this n im the one havin to answer to all this ppl..its gettin embarrassin coz it seems like he dun care to think of e future..well mayb he is at that age where boys dun tink of all this n we girls r so gatal tat we kept thinkin abt it..im not hard up but wen ppl ard u start askin includin my parents & my sister..im beginnin to question myself as well..i mean its already 3yrs plus r we leadin the right way?coz if we r not den mayb we both shld stop wastin time..sigh...this is gettin so hard..n all he says is "ill start to think of the future.."n im suppose to feel better...sadly i dun..coz it worries me..
On a lighter note..cant wait to hear from one of the schools n hopefully its a good answer and im lookin forward for Ian sister's wedding coz im the bridesmaid..hehe so im tryin to lose some weight..goin swimmin n stuffs..gotta look as pretty as the bride right..who knows the right groom for me might appear on tat day..haha okla enough of all this marriage shit..im sick of it..where is the life where all this is not important to me?probably time to hook up some scandals...*winks*
Today CNY..non significant to me..to most malays they r probably out at e beach camping..so u can see all the makciks there today..i had my gatherin last nite..was at my aunt house after goin to SIA sports club..n we stayed all the way till 1plus am..gosh im so beat..my parents la enjoyin karaok-in all nite..i didnt even know my dad cld sing! but it was awhile since i saw my grandmother..n wen i hug her..i was choke with emotion & almost cried..i realise how much ive missed her n avoidin meetin her coz she always ask for ian..even ystrdy?! been askin him to see her..i better tell him to visit her soon..i look after so many ppl grandparents but i didnt even hav time to look aft my own..n she is my only one left..i must treasure her before she goes..life is such..u always dun hav time for ppl u shld be caring & loving for..but who is to blame actually?no one...its juz..life is such... =(

"Life is such...deal with it.."

2009-01-18T20:04:00.002+08:00

Love aint an easy thing..Not as easy as the movies made out to be..nor as easy as 'Happily ever after" Its not as easy as boy meets girl,they kiss n tats it..
This songs speaks a million thoughts invading me right now..

"If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys

And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man

You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy"

-They'll nvr understand

Love,
Femme Fatalle

A good start..i love you.

2009-01-12T00:32:00.002+08:00

He came holdin a bunch of flowers.White roses to be exact. As well as a box of chocolate..Tats the reason he was late.I was worried as well as annoyed..knowin me bein as bitch as always..but i was surprised n smiled wide..gave him a hug..didnt know wat the occasion was but he say "Juz because i wanted to.."
It was a start to a good weekend..Let him sleep a couple of hours before headin out to get cheesecake @ The Cheesecake Cafe..the cheesecake there rocks,a tub of Ben & Jerry's, garlic bread and we ordered 2boxes of pizza...yup pizza n Ben & jerry's is a must for our sleepovers..we watch 'Hitch & License to Wed' coz tats the only movies available on HBO..but after all the food i was stuffed as well as darn sleepy..i fell asleep n ian had to drag me into bed..i was knock out till abt 11plus in the mornin.we were suppose to be out early mornin to cut his hair as welll as hav breakfast over at KFC..he woke me up..well tats wat he says but i didnt rememeber..hehe i am tat tired..mayb coz i only slept 2hrs after my nite shift..haha
We went out late evening coz i need to take a passport photos for tml..shop ard..den he told me its time to get another ring coz ours is so old already which i dun tink so..but ohh well..so we hop over to our fav jewellery store..METALLURGY..they hav lots of cool stuff..we went ga-ga over bracelets,rings n i went ga-ga over this storybook pendant thingy..it was sooo cool..i really like it..ohh well...mayb on valentines day *hint* *hint*..i love him wearin bracelet..i know its so mat rep..but hot la..next is the 'dog tag' my bestfren Sofy will definitely agree with me on this..den we shop ard somemore..before finally headin to West Coast Mac one of our fav spot to hav our dinner..we talk abit n head home..our weekends hav ended *sobs*
On another note..parents are back from KL she bought me the maxi dress i wanted!!YEY! 2 somemore..n its nice..i like..miss them la..
Ok i gotta sleep...hav to turn in early for my interview tml..im so nervous..hope i can ace this..*prays* Good nite pplz..

2009-01-10T00:18:00.002+08:00

-Currently on Flash Over X2days

Ive got great news!! Parkway College juz called me up to come for an interview on Monday. Im so excited n nervous la..I hope this goes well..i really really hope i get in..Dad sounds happy tat i hav an interview..more den happy to drive me there also..I hope this is my big break..but i also dun dare to hope too high in case =( anyhoos im still hopin! =)
I cant wait for the weekends..movie marathon at home with Ian..mum & dad leavin for KL early sat mornin..i felt bad for not followin coz its been a while since we go somewhere as a family n i wanna follow but ian say no money not nice to go..so mayb next time..n i juz wanna spend some quiet time with him after my tirin night shift..
Im hungry....this is bad..i hate eatin at midnite it makes me feel guilty as hell..coz im tryin to diet..But well im hungry i gotta eat so heck la..tml somemore big party at my house with pizzas,popcorns n Ben & Jerry!! hahah...okla im out of here..

2009!

2009-01-01T12:02:00.003+08:00

As the crowd countdown,i silently prayed for a better year in 2009..may it brings me better luck,better love,better health n better oppurtunity..2008 hasnt been tat great..in fact its quite a horrible year..bittersweet..so im hoping with all my might tat someone up there gives me a better one this new year..New year means new resolutions but for me it means better hope..i prayed tat god will give me more strength to hope for better things..ok im that depress!
New year resolution:
1) To be nicer to ppl
2) To watch what i eat
3) To stop spending so much
4) To not take so much MC
5) To achieve new things..

yups that will be all for now..Ive been that depress tat i didnt update my blog..hehe nolah my pc is down n still down so i wasnt able to blog abt my anniversary nor anythin else..i hav pictures though! will try to put up once my pc is ok..hav a good year ahead people! Happy New YEar!!

2008-11-26T01:29:00.002+08:00

Lately i've been fallin sick n right after my leave too..dunno is it coz i dun wanna go work..it seems to me im feelin worse den before im on leave..but had a pretty good leave week..spend it with Ian.catchin up n celebratin part one of our anniversary..he gave me my presents already!haha ive yet to give him his..he cant wait..neither can i..our phase of fightin alot has tone down..mayb its juz the jitters of the 3year mark..lookin forward to part 2 of the celebration..He gave me winnie the pooh soft toy..its huge n i can hug it nicely to bed n its so soft..he always make me smile no matter how depress i am i look at Pooh n he is always smiling..n he gotten me a watch..a white O.D.M watch..he wrote "Happy aniiversary Ariel!" so each time i look at my watch it made me smile..We spend the 3days doin things aimlessly..we checked in to sleep,watch dvds, we stuff ourselves with pizza,chocolate cake from Awfully Chocolate..tats very simple n super yummy..so much for wantin to rollerblade n swim..well the weather was gloomy on those days so we hung out in the room instead..n still manage to hav lotsa fun..he insists tat i bully him durin bedtime n kept pushin him to the edge of the bed..well tats coz he is so warm n im freakin cold coz i caught a cold tat nite..he was sweet..givin me a warm towel to put on my nose so tat i dun sneeze so much..den drove me to Changi airport to get flu tablets n minyak kapak coz i almost went asthmatic..den stubborn me decide to go mustafa centre to get his purple hairdye n dyed his hair tat night..it was nice..use the left overs to highlight my hair..so now my hair is like rojak..Ash blonde,red,purple all can be seen..haha..but my colleagues love it..All good things has to come to an end..sigh..
Lately i seem to hav so much to say yet i cant be bothered to say anythin..mayb im gettin burnt out..i juz wanna sit n do nothin with no one botherin me..but den its rather impossible.I eat to give me comfort n tats bad..bluek..
I cant wait for next year to come..a new beginnin hopefully n plz plz plz let the economic pull itself up very soon..its so darn sickenin..who is the bastard responsible for this suck fest!im gonna burn his penis n hear him beg for mercy..ok im such a saddist..haha..Im bored la really bored of life..same work,same routine,same shit..im waitin for an oppurtunity to strike..
okla im pretty brain dead at this ungodly hour..but i hav to work so no choice n i dunno how to blog my feelings in words..so until i cld..till next time..

Looking forward to friday *smiles*

CROCS SALE

2008-11-16T01:21:00.003+08:00

Listening To: I don't wanna know by Mario Winans

"Did he touch you better than me?
Did he watch you fall asleep?
Did he show you all those things?
and the things you do to me
If you're better off that way
then it's more than I can say.
If you want to do your thing,
Girl, then stay away from me.."

Woke up early this mornin u know for wat?? CROCS SALE at Expo..Ian gonna meet me after his nite shift n we gonna check it out..or so tat was the plan..it turn out tat there was a super long queue all the way to burger kind n beyond it too..I got in by myself n start grabbin watver there is..haha each sellin at $20..darn cheap i know its probably factory rejects or watever but who cares i love the rubber shoes..ian came abit later i was already inside n he was stuck with my mum..i felt so bad tat he cldnt come in..i shld hav fought n negotiate for him to come in..damn it im so crude..he had to wait for me for over 3hrs..ill nvr forgive myself for makin him wait tat long n he hadnt even sleep..seriously im so bad to him yet he always keep quiet n put up with bitchy me..we den went to airport for our super late lunch after which we went home coz he look so dead tired..kesian dia..he slept from 5pm n still asleep now..im on nite shift so cant do so la..let him sleep till tml..den monday will be a good good few days spent perhaps?some quiet moments to catch things up n slow things down alittle..im gonna treat him like a king?haha coz i hav to make things up for bein very bad to him lately..yes i know i always bully him la..bluek! Tats coz i miss him but he dun give a hoot..right now im missin him also..its so quiet without him ard to bug me..waitin for monday ok..waitin for it..n i need a foot reflexology..my leg is very painful n in need of therapy..suck is a job tat requires u to walk alot..
Mum is buggin me abt him again..askin me bila ian nak masuk minang n things like tat..stress la..both of us workin on finance..but i wanna go school first..so we'll probably wait abt 2-3yrs..he's feelin the pressure also coz my mum says she's gonna scrap him if he takes so long..haha..insyallah soon la..so impatient la my mum..
Today im with siti n we already sponge most of the patients..time check: 01:38..haha good..hopefully a relaxin nite..im so tired already..Till Next time..

"You love me unconditionally,
n tat makes me never forget yr love for me,
Even when yr not with me,
I carry u in my mind n in my heart,
Do u blame me if i wanted u more den anythin else..?"

White Tiger.

2008-11-14T01:12:00.002+08:00

Today Mr Ian is so proud to be across the front page of today paper..he is the one who attended the case of the white tiger who killed the man..Im puttin this here so he'll remember it thru his life..not as if he will let me forget! haha..But ya i tink he look hot in his police uniform.. Ok ill try to get a bigger pic of u ok..n also frame up the article itself.. For those of u who wanna close up u can catch this article here: http://www.todayonline.com/pdf_main.asp?pubdate=20081114

Bee Bee my love..

2008-11-05T12:37:00.003+08:00

Im so addicted to bee been snack. n my mission is accomplished into gettin significant other into being addicted to it also! hahaha..

Im feelin much calmer after all the fights..oops..hehe i realize its been a very long while since i look him in the eye n tat nite, wen he held me in his arms, i look him straight in the eye n realize he does love me like he used to..wen i asked him he simply shake his head implyin a no..but wat he said next brings tears to my eyes..,"no dear..i dun love u like i used to,i love u even more den tat now.." i know i know its cheesy..but comin from him i know he meant it..
Its not easy but i feel much relaxed n i know he does too coz he dun hav to be unhappy..n probably i i tink it made him happier n more excited to meet me also..its hard change but ill do it..bit by bit..n anyway i can concentrate on work more n i rush less..so im not tired n grumpy..im able to sleep better at nite too..better for my eye bags..so yup..i guess all is well with my new strategy.. =)
Now im stress with my parents.seriously i tink my dad shld go back to work..since he's always monitorin the wrong daughter..like WTF..n so lokek borrow car also cannot...wen i go out only im greeted with irritated pissed off look from my mum..im bein treated worse den my 20 yr old sister..n im 24..wat e hell..watever la..i dun wanna blog abt dem la..pissed me off!
Im on nite shift today so i better rest..Till Next Time..

"Lookin you in the eye,
I know i loved you all the same.."

A Random entry..

2008-11-02T20:11:00.005+08:00

Listening To:San Dimas High School Football Rules

I sat here with a longing,painful heart,wondering why do u work so hard to win someone's heart but stop after u won her over?Wasted in my opinion u work so hard for somethin only to let it down the drain..blame it on work,blame it on watever u wan but wat u shld really blame is yrself..i cld blame u for negligence if there is such a thing..Work?Evryone has to work..dun ever ever make someone u love feel like they're a chore to u.Even work sounds more appealin to u den someone u love?tats insane..unless of coz she's borin..but watch out if she's bored with u n hav that daze look on her eyes..she's probably thinkin wen to dump u..man's behaviour sometimes i juz dun get..its a no wonder lesbians n gays are erruptin everywhere..coz girls understand girls better n so do guys probably..so can u blame them? 'opposite attracts n alike repels probably doesnt pplies anymore as stated in yr physics book..think abt it..N my point is..if yr those half hearted piece of shit lookin for love,y dun u stop n dun bother coz if u wanna win someone's heart do it yr entire life..dun stop in midair n blame it on work..tats bull for u..How nice it wld be to hav someone who always looks up to u..win yr heart everytime for the rest of yr life n treats u like a queen,i dun need them to pamper me juz savour me everyday like they'll rather be with me den anywhere else..sadly im living in my very own fantasy..it'll nvr come true..there is no such charmin man..there's only an abusive man both emotionally & physically, n those who work so damn hard n winnin yr heart den neglect u after that..

I'll never neglect the one i love,never make him feel lonely or me not bein there him for i know how painful it is..I always put him first above any other includin work.Ill always be there wen he needs me or wanna go out with me or wen he calls,even wen he smses..i always waited for him before i fall asleep regardless the time,he's the first one i look for in the mornin wen i wake up..i always celebrate important events or juz wen he needs a cheering on i make sure ill always be there to comfort his fears n give him hope. I always hav somethin for him to make him remember me or remember his special events..I've been practicin this for years..sadly..e favour was nvr return to me..yet all i ask for is only his time/attention..yet not even one person can comfort tat need..Its sad wen u give 110percent n only get a small percentage back..probably my love juz wasnt good enough....

2008-11-02T19:27:00.004+08:00

Listening To:I wanna be by Chris Brown

"Cause i done already made up my mind,
don't need no more time to know if I wanna be with you,
I wanna be...
The last number you call late at night,
The first one that you dial when you open your eyes.
Wanna be the one you run to,
wanna be the one that ain't gonna hurt you,
I wanna be..."

A turmoil goin thru my mind these few days leavin me very exhausted..or mayb its the honey tat ive been takin actin as a sedative?hmmm i dunno la..We had a huge fight..biggest one we ever had..but it left me with an emptiness i cld not explain..perhaps coz i feel numb tat it once again lead me to yet another relationship which gonna end the same way every other past one did..n it'll only end wen im prepared to give it up..Right now im juz gonna deal with it at an everyday deal..
Met my bestfren ystrdy had a good talk n hangin out at her house helpin her pack,juz like old times..I bought her a surprise advance birthday cake n a card coz she's not here on her birthday..celebratin it at Sydney..so lucky rite!which ex boyfren wld do such a thing..must still be madly in love with her..so lucky lucky..hehe anyways babe i hope yr havin fun there..!Last minute followed her to Barnone..Took the bus..we always love bus rides coz we can talk nonstop..Love the place..looks so cosy n not to mention,handsome guys r around..hehe..den soon after runnin her errands we went to Lucky Plaza for awhile n we start goin crazy to shop..but she had a flight to catch so i grab her n say next time we go again k..haha..nice la..its been awhile since we do anythin together but we still love each other..Besties forever like that.. =)
She always manage to drill senses to my head n i realize n even she realize tat Ian is younger den he looks..Its the way he thinks which make me always always forget but i tink she's rite..i shld let him go abit..some space..damn it y must everythin be so damn hard..I shld start concentratin on myself on my life instead of givin 110percent on this relationship..if it doesnt work out i know ill get hurt yet again..(told u im stubborn! very persistant in love.) So i shall think of the next steps i hav for myself in life instead of thinkin of marriage and things like tat...if it happen,it happen,if it doesnt ill probably look for another candidate..I wont be minah minah kahwin like she suggested i was..bluek
So here goes: I wanna be a staff nurse..which means plz plz plz let me hav a place in NYP or NP..plz plz i need to take it..which after tat im very greedy i wanna a Degree in Nursing ok...once i get the Diploma everythin else will be so much easier to deal with..n also i wanna spend more time on myself n my frens..im so easily bored to my skull so probably i shld get that Nintendo DS i've been wantin coz all the games will probably keep me happy..Ok i juz realise i sounded like im goin thru a breakup..im not juz mayb i need to loosen away from him up n be away abit..well they say 'absence makes the heart fonder' it doesnt work for me but doesnt mean it doesnt work for him rite..watever la..Im out of here.Till Next Time..

P.S: Bintan trip cancelled again..sigh im so very sad..but there's nothin i can do.. =( mayb its nvr meant to be..shucks..

-shush its juz between u n me..

2008-10-31T19:41:00.000+08:00

I hate it wen yr unfair to me.It really hurt me but u wont see nor will u realise..no matter how many times i hav said it out loud.. You always sound so excited to be with yr frens..always sayin "its been awhile since i meet them.I hate how much i depend on u. Coz i know u dun hav tat dependance on me.If i say u think more of yr frens u cant accept..but u can nvr see la.n i cant do anythin either but to deal with it.. coz if i dun u'll be so unhappy..so i guess its better for me to be unhappy rather den u rite..its juz another sacrifice i hav to make..its ok tat im upset n hurt.. coz it wont matter to u.u dun miss me or love me the way i do towards u..well everyone is different..watever im out of here..sobs

CAKES..

2008-10-25T23:43:00.003+08:00

Listening To: That's What You Get by Paramore

Sigh things hasnt been good..im sad beyond words..spent two days cryin..im heartbroken..nope its not ian..had a misunderstandin with my mum..i hate fightin with her..n i know its my fault to hav lied to her but what can i do,if i tell the truth she cant take it n its a small white lie.. =( i've always told her the closest truth n make my life as transparent as i can so that she will trust me n not worry abt me..but it seems its not enough..im so sad la..to me she n dad is not bein fair to me..im 23 n i appreciate them monitorin me but my sis who is 20 is havin so much freedom n their reason bein,coz they gave up on me..which to me doesnt seem fair..they say that i listen to them tats y they love me more n wanna protect me..which doesnt really make sense to me..if im the one who can listen then u shld be more firm n control my sis who is over wild already..she can not go back or go back super late EVERYDAY n no one even bat an eye n ask her anything...where is the justice..n i now she has a point in sayin tat tak manis i kept goin out with Ian n we hav no strings attach..wat can i do..he doesnt seem ready to n is still scared takkan i wanna force him rite?so in the meantime i guess we will juz not meet so much as tat seems to be the only way out..but it still hurts wen my mum say my dad gave up on me..wen he had the accident i was there worried sick where was my sister,his beloved daughter? out with her boyfren..i stayed overnite n stuff go up & down accompanyin him for check ups..i was sincere its juz so sad tat he said things like tat wen all i did was tell a small white lie..lets not talk abt it la..so depressin..

On a happier note..im plannin for Nov 29..found all the things n practicin so hopefully will be ready by then..n still hav to plan for my sis bday on nov 21..ohh gosh so many special occassions..Anyway im so interested in cake decorating..ive always been interested in baking but recently i saw so many interestin things online like chocolate makin n cake decoratin..seriously everythin looks so lovely..i wanna master the art la..hopefully la slowly i'll learn by myself..I've tried a new recipe instead of brownies,i baked a chocolate cake..A melt-in-your-mouth cake..ummm my niece enjoyed in tremendously..

2008-10-18T01:20:00.003+08:00

Listening To:San Dimas High Schookl Football Rules

"Today I woke up alone wishing you were here with me,
I wanted us to be something that we'd probably never be.
Today you called me up and said you'd see me at our show,
But now I'm stuck debating if I even wanna go.

Whitney, don't you understand that what I say is true?
I just want you to know I have a major crush on you.
I'd drive you to Las Vegas and do the things you wanna do
I'd even have Wayne Newton dedicate a song to you"

I only wish that this could be
Just dump your boyfriend and go out with me
I swear I'd treat you like a queen"

Ian use to always sing this song to me..i left my ex for u k so u better treat me like a queen!hehe..dunno y lately i seem to miss him alot..mayb coz i read my pass entries n den i remember how hard n wat we went thru to be together..den without realizin we took advantage n forgot tat we shldnt take each other for granted..wanted to see him so badly last nite..
So we meet up for a breakfast date to macdonalds after im done with work..thank god i wasnt busy last nite so i wasnt tired..he rode here coz i was in pain..cldnt even walk home..but we drove to East Coast though..our so called fav place to hav bfast..imaginin by the sea kinda thing la..only cannot see the sea..hehe..i miss him terribly..kept huggin him..after tat i agreed to accompany him look for his Super4..he is super excited n wanted to get a bike by our 3rd yr anniversary..so we r rushin to find one..haha there's a white one on sale on the net..very hot..its the perfect bike for him la..its the only super4 i've seen with side ferrin n belly pan..n his fav yoshimura pipe..its really worth it..but now money problem..the owner wants full cash..darn..k y the hell im talkin bout his bike..hehe dunno la..mayb im also excited..been awhile since i go riding..
He is so sweet..we're suppose to go out on sunday for visitin..but his mum wanna use the car last minute as usual..so i told him its ok we can ride bike instead la..but he refused..instead he made a deal with his mum..tat he'll go visitin w his fren with bike tml..despite knowin tat his fren will tease him endlessly..juz so he cld use the car wen goin out with me on sunday..isnt he sweet..hehe..okla i tink u guys feel like vomittin that im praisin him like hell..i cant hell it..i miss him alot lately la..n im to my neck thinkin of wat to do for our anniversary next mth..i know he is up to smt..so secretive..still dunno wat to get him..darn..help!!! okla gotta go take care of my ammahs n apeks..Nitez..!

"Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and think of you
And I still can't believe that you came up to me
and said "I love you!"
I love you too! "

Goodbye Love..

2008-10-16T23:32:00.005+08:00

Listening To:Cookie Jar

Yesterday's event still runnin thru my mind..But first n foremost i would like to thank my bestfriend whom since i told her she has nvr pass judgement nor abandon me..she merely nag abit..well its for my own good anyway..but she nvr fails to be there for me..wen i call i know she'll always be there..n she woke up early mornin yesterday juz to accompany me despite me not even askin,despite her busy schedule..she met me on time as if she is the one goin for it..i cannot express enough words to tell her how grateful i am..she was there not only for me but for ian too..Ian is another person im grateful for sendin me n fetchin me home n makin sure i was ok..i must say im pretty strong thru it all..but inside emotionally only god knows wat im thinkin n feelin..smt feels like breakin down also..but i hav to let love go..its not time for me..but i do feel a sense of lost smt..ian kept a picture of love in his locker..n wen he fetch me,i saw a box filled with 2glasses in which he stuffed a baby elephant n a baby hippo in each glass..n there in the middle is a frame of our picture..taken on the day i broke him the news n we were at Labrador Park..now it stood on my side table as a constant reminder..
Spend the nite at Kakak house..helpin her make cornflakes for Dini's party..that niece of mine so excited abt her birthday bash this sat..im gonna get her a bicycle..im also excited seein her..but which means i cant follow ian n the boys to their jalan raya..but ill give him some space la with them..ill jalan raya with him on sunday instead..this year no mood to raya..dunno y la..mayb coz thruout i feel fat n nausea all the time..ohh well..
Me n ian fightin alot lately..dunno y la..nothin seems rite..i always feel he is nvr there..n there he is always sayin he's tryin his best..n ill feel bad..mayb he is tryin his best..but y am i so dissatisfied?Is it hormonal changes or is it that the event make me more emotional subconsciously?I dunno..smt honestly i feel like i shld go separate ways..but i know n he knows..we cannot do tat..we hav grown into each other..n perhaps he is too comfortable with me la! i pamper him too much!wait till he's with someone else baru dia tau..hehe..
Klah im suppose to be workin..so far so good..hopefully tml also like this..plz plz plz..im tired n my whole body is achin..i need to go for spa la..really cant wait to go bintan..hopefully jadi la this time round..Was surfing thru the web n got really excited seeing the pics..! Gotta go..

"Despite how u r to me,
Despite how we fought,
Despite everything that happen,
I found myself still loving you,
How do i get out of this?
Im in way way too deep..."

Wish that you cld be the only one..

2008-10-09T22:53:00.003+08:00

Listening To:Cookie Jar

I've been so tired lately..alot of sleepless nite..subconsciously thinkin abt it..i dun want to but cant help it..i hav tremendous body ache n i sleep even lighter den i usually does..as a result i lack of a good sleep..my eyebag n dark circle is worst den ever..each time i go to work...people thinks im sick..damn..so now i try to encourage myself n cheer myself up..thinkin tat everythin will be alrite..but smt i must admit its tiring..i turn depress at times..n me gainin weight is another issue too..so im startin my own diet & exercise regime..lets juz hope i stick to it..im determine k!hehe..hav to la..no hope already..
I hope its over soon..im feelin sick n so very tired..Help me somebody!

Unplanned Visitor..

2008-10-05T16:52:00.002+08:00

Listening:That's what you get by Paramore

"Hey, make your way to me, to me
And I'll always be just so inviting
If I ever start to think straight
This heart will start a riot in me.."

Unbelievable thats all i can describe it..mayb i've seen all the sign n symptoms..juz refuse,refuse to check...refuse to wanna believe..but the answers right in my palm..wen the doctor told me..it was more like me slappin myself rather den shock..Its sad...but a lesson learnt..
Wanna keep it but cant..i cant afford..ready mayb i am..so is he..but financially unstable..he is so sad over this..im sorry dear..its juz not our time..mayb in the future..kalau ade rezeki..insyaallah..So now thinkin of the next step..im takin this calmly...of coz i am..wat else can i do..But it has made him a lovely man..more loving,more sensitive to me..my every calls,my every move,my every need is being catered to..It brings tears to my eyes..Watever this thing has done..it has made me n him even closer n more loving..Im juz sorry i hav to put an end to it.

"Sometimes i dunno what to think,how to react..
All i know is i hav to be strong..."

Race Against Time.

2008-10-02T23:37:00.005+08:00

Listening To: It feels like Tonight by Daughtry

"I was waiting
For the day you'd come around.
I was chasing,
But nothing was all I found.
From the moment you came into my life,
You showed me what's right.."

Raya didnt feel like raya at all this year..2nd day already ppl start workin n school is open..boring nye! ystrdy wen visitin to only nenek house as usual n i had only 2hrs of sleep..i was pretty shag by 8pm..eventhough all i do was ate n ate..god i really gotta start losin weight..im gainin weight so much, i didnt realise..till i put on my kebaya n look like a human ketupat..i gave up all the suckin in i had to do coz im very tired n juz don on a baju kurung..simple as that..darn it i shld hav bought a baju kurung instead..My darlin there so impress with his clothes this year..n the fact tat everyone says he looks better den Taufiq Batisah really swells his head even bigger..the moment i reach home i slept like a baby till 12nn today..lucky the parents didnt make noise..bluek!
Fetch the kiddies over to my place den head out to meet ian..he ask me out..haha like been so long since he does tat..wen to Singapore Motor Show over at suntec..showcasing all types of SUBARU!!! damn..hot hot hot..i fell in love with this LEgacy which is tuned by STI ok..seriously hot n spacious,turbo charge,SI shift what else do u want..haiz..gonna pester my dad to get tat..the WRX n STI is obviously hot la..no need to say anythin..On top of that there's a stunt show..wat a way to market subaru...all those dumb ppl who knows nuts bout the power of subaru suddenly start noticin the huge booth of subaru AFTER the show..delusional la..dun dream tat u can drive like tat ok! It takes skills n guts..Skills i dun hav..guts i hav..hehe..Which reminds me that i completely forgot to enter an entry where me & ian drove to KL..we rented a 2.0 EX saloon..damn powerful car coz they hav those pedals on yr steerin wheels semi-auto la..like lamborghini u know..We both didnt manage to relax while driving..not coz we are scared..but busy chasin time..it was a Race Against Time..The road is damn nice to drive..malaysian drivers will give way whoever is on the fastest lane..here in singapore no such things..we were so caught up in tryin out our speed limit..first it was 160-180 km/h..we both were quite nervous bout drivin to KL juz the 2 of us n or first time travellin together..den we loosen up n became more daring n can u believe it..i drove 200km/h chasin down a BMW..coz he is so irritatin..he thought tat mayb im a female driver i wld be smitten..wrong girl he got there..i chase him rite away..den an Alphard also..so both of them gang up against me..irritatin..i was so tired playin games..i let Ian drive coz he's more skilled at manipulating..this waja evo almost met into an accident with this bus right in front of us..coz he was busy disturbin Ian n challengin him..n the stupid buses there dun bother to check their side mirrors before filterin lanes..so i honk him..tat woke him up n stop the almost happen accident..this is not empty talk ok..i hav pictures to prove!!..Mr Ian here..dun wanna lose so he top the meter of 220-240 km/h until the engine is overheated so we had to slow down..but the EX make me so proud of its handling..superb! N guess how fast we reach singapore from KL? 2 1/2 hrs..seriously shockin..we dun even realise..Got not time to even eat the snacks we bought..But the adrenaline rush we get is so so worth it..Haha..
Okla..wat a long entry..will update the pics soon..muackz

"U look hot today..simply irresistible..
Get that vest & coat..u look stunning,handsome..
Im speechless...."

2008-10-01T04:31:00.001+08:00

Listening To:Check Yes Juliet

I cant believe our anniversary slipped my mind twice in a row..Im so sorry dear..i know yr sad tat i forgot..i didnt mean to..probably coz i hav alot on my mind..nevertheless i know its not an excuse..i know i've never ever forgotten any anniversary before with my past boyfren..its doesnt mean i love u any less nor are u so bad tat i dun wish to remember..im sorry..I hope u like wat i sent u at work though..hope it didnt embarrass u..juz hope it will bring a smile to yr face..Plz know that i do love u..
Its eve of hari raya n im so pathetically workin!Darn it..im so sleepy already..highlights was that..my dearest came to hav supper with me..says he wanna meet me before raya as we hav not been meetin much lately..busy busy..him tat is..im tryin to be understandin n less demandin of him..i know he is very tired with work n all..so ill cut him some slack..This couple of days i always hav company for supper..ystrdy was my bestfren today my boyfren..i love them to bits..in different ways of coz! haha..I've been workin non-stop since i reach work..so shag already..hopefully can wake up later to go visitin..yawns..
To all muslim out there..SLAMAT HARI RAYA!! To those i've wronged..plz forgive me.. have a good celebration! =)

"Run, baby, run
Don't ever look back.
They'll tear us apart
If you give them the chance.
Don't sell your heart.
Don't say we're not meant to be.
Run, baby, run.
Forever will be
You and me.."

Dejavu..

2008-09-26T00:10:00.003+08:00

Listening To:T-shirt by Shontelle

"hey, gotta be strong gotta be strong but i'm,
really hurting now that you're gone.
i thought maybe i'd do some shopping,
but i couldn't get past the door and,
now i don't know now i don't know if i'm,
ever really gonna let you go and i,
couldn't even leave my apartment.
im stripped down torn up about it. "

My head all muddled up...im once again tired...i wish i cld sleep away everythin so wen i wake up all is good...but den who's gonna clean up if not for me?but im really tired...n feelin so broken up inside...i tink ill juz break down n cry..n seriously i tink im gettin too strong coz i tend to bottle up..simpan everythin till i cant take it n juz burst into tears..sigh this is bad..love makes u feel like this?ohh crap..it definitely does..after the cloud nine period lift off n reality start sinkin in..n for my case..3yrs..why the hell does it takes so long..den again..im always in a long-term relationship..y wld this be of any different..
Guys will nvr understand wat a girl in love wld do for them..call it ignorant or juz plain male hormones ah..its proven tat relationship is not a top priority for guys..its work..so they slog their ass off for their jobs as well as frens..n smt i juz wish they'll use half of the effort on us..
Its a dejavu wat im experincing..Somewhere along the way...i feel disappointed thinkin where the hell did i go wrong with this one..wen i tot my relationship with him wld probably be different..i did everythin..but somehow..it seem im doin it again..over givin..n the outcome is..i sacrifice too much till i demand the same..n wen i dun..i resent myself for overgiving..n now im sick n so very tired..wen will i ever learn i dunno...disappointed in myself for lettin yet another guy capable of makin me feel this way..yet i realise tats coz probably i love him very much tat im givin my all..but he doesnt reciprocate as much..he doesnt step up to the game..so shld i step down den?
It was said tat guys are clueless...n i was wonderin if us girls are so understandin towards each other's needs...den perhaps..ill date a girl..try n see how its like..

"Coz i miss you,I miss you,
Nothin feels rite..
Im cold to you,
But its juz a cover,
I miss you.."

Kiss & Make Up..

2008-09-08T01:49:00.002+08:00

Listening To:Please Forgive Me by Bryan Adams

"It still feels like our first night together
Feels like the first kiss and
It's gettin' better baby
No one can better this
I'm still holding on and you're still the one
The first time our eyes met it's
the same feelin' I get
Only feels much stronger and I
wanna love ya longer
You still turn the fire on"

Ummm my fav love song of all time..Im at work..somehow this year fastin is tiring n somehow i ended up with gastric problems..it was so bad that i suddenly cldnt wake up to walk last friday..i tot i was havin menses cramp..but rather its intestine cramp..weird im a nurse yet i've nvr heard of that one before..hehe..im still recoverin from it..no cramps juz bloatedness n i cant eat bit late or ill hav dizzy spells..ape ckp!so weird la..
Things hav been very bad with me and ian..constantly at each other's throat..n the things tat triggers it was an email..haiz phobia la..we met up on friday..n we lash things out..im so glad its all better now..coz im tired of fightin mayb tats y i got gastric tak..coz i've been eatin sooo little..hehe..well watever..It was a huge drama in his car..but we end it good..buka at the beach with lotsa goodies tat we bought from geylang..n we chat n chat n tease each other n wen he pull me to embrace n kiss me..i remember y im with him..he make me feel comfortable n safe..though smt as we go through out daily life,i guess we forget..i NEVER FORGET HIM but he like biscuit lemau will always FORGET ME!!!..hehe okla not so true..but there's a truth in it..which makes me sad..but actually he does make effort..juz tat he kept it on the low..so low i barely see it..so im not to be blame much ok..
All well now...so we are again like we used to..juz newly met..anxious to please the other party..i guess in short we must learn to be more forgivin..okla okla its myself i shld refer to..he is always forgivin..
Im tired n sleepy n i hate this bloated feelin in my tummy!!!Help!
Gotta go now...

"So If you're feelin' lonely.. don't
You're the only one I'd ever want
I only wanna make it good
So if I love ya a little more than I should

Please forgive me I know not what I do
Please forgive me I can't stop lovin' you
Don't deny me.."

And then i realise...

2008-08-29T21:40:00.002+08:00

Listening To: Right here waiting by Sleeq

I saw someone whom i had a bad crush on some few years ago..durin my ITE BISHAN days..those close will know whom i speakin of..it jeapordize some frendships..but it made me realize who my true frens are..n also how much i've grown n how much my esteem has come up again..Riezal ..saw him eatin at Parkway Parade while i was with my parents also eatin..didnt recognize him at all actually or rather probably i didnt notice, was busy textin Ian..he was starin at me as if recognizin,as if rememberin those days..but i didnt smile nor acknowledge him..Heard his frens n some girl askin him "sape tu,kenal ke?" i didnt turn nor give him a second look..n strangely he didnt look so good-lookin afterall..not to say im so loyar buruk but it made me realize..tat wen yr in love n yr with someone else..he will always imerge the best,most good-lookin above all..Like me now, with ian..i tink he's hot..wen i look at other guys sometimes i juz dun tink they measure up..such is me bein in love..i turn abnoxious..hehe..well ian shld be lucky tau for me thinkin tat way! hehe yup..comin to our 3yrs now..our trust hav been tested,love has been tempered with but so far we're still fightin strongly towards everythin tats thrown to us..insyallah all will be well.. =)

Couple Suit

2008-08-26T03:24:00.003+08:00

Listening To: Mesmerize by Ashanti

I finally gotten a couple suit for Raya..haha i know abit too early for it..Well here goes the truth..usually i always hav to be the one full of envy for other couples as they go abt lookin for couple suits for hari raya..in my entire past relationships they are juz not interested so i was kinda surprised yet secretively elated tat ian has the same wavelength as me..n he always think im the most beautiful girl so wen i go ard tryin on the clothes..he only hav one thing to say "gorgeous" simple as tat..n he really like this black no i put on..so there goes our colour theme for this yr..which supposedly suppose to be turqoise den change to gold..den finally now its black n white..he wanted to get the black one..but i asked him to try on a white one..n boy i juz fell in love..he look stunnin..n u know my fetish with guys who look hot in white..yup its like tat..i like!N some personalizin here n there..im so excited..
We were with my mum n my mum keep referin herself to 'mama' wen talkin to him..how embarrasing..hehe but i know she like him alot..until dun care tat im goin w him..dia pun nak ikut..kpo betul..Lately we hav been spendin alot of time with other ppl..like my family,his family,his frens n stuff like tat..bila u nak kluar ngan my frens?! tak fair tau..
Anyway i've been talkin alot to sofy..she's funny la..well girl all i can say is ni semua is a test for yr relationship..if u get thru this both of u will be stronger n more loving..but remember tat it takes 2 to clap ok..makan hati sorang2 is not worth it..trust me i've been makan hati for years now..but not with ian la of coz..haha..so far still ok can handle plus i dun like to simpan dendam w him..i owe it to myself n to him to hav a honest open relationship..Too many mistakes in the past to make me learn from it..Insyallah he is the ONE.
Im at work actually n probably talkin too much crap..And i realize i haven blog abt my KL TRIP with Ian..which was like last mth..darn ill blog only with the pics k..coz hav to show some excitin things la..Ok Till Next Time gotta start spongin all this apek n ammahs...bluek!

"Y do we always take advantage of ppl who is always ard yet love ppl who makes us disappointed n upset most of the time..all i can say is tat we r only human..we want wat we cant have.."

Fractured Bones

2008-08-15T12:08:00.002+08:00

Listening To:Moving Mountains by Usher

"But I keep climbing and hoping things would change
And the sky turns grey,
and the water from the rain,
washes progress away
It's like moving mountains..."

It was an unfortunate event...one that i didnt ever wanna hear happen to anyone..coz i know how it feels like..i know the pain one has to go thru..its excruciatin,traumatizing n painful painful painful..My dad met with an accident..i juz finished my shift wen my mum call..with a heavy heart i pick up the call coz usually if she call me at that time means she wanna ask me to get some lunch for the kids..This time round she had a bad news..Called ian in tears..was scared very scared..Anxiously waited for the ambulance to turn up..prayin that he'll be ok..I was so relieved to see him..turn out as suspected tat he has a fractured collar bone n query 4th rib crack..tat needed to be observed in case it puncture the lungs..He was send home coz there's nothin they cld do..collar bone will form by itself..it was heartbreakin to see the one strong man i knew all my life hurt n vulnerable..but i know we all need to stand strong for him..approximately it'll only heal in bout 1mth..even more as he is in his 40s..bones take longer time to grow wen yr old..im on 2days family care leave..juz so if he needs anythin as my mum is takin care of the naughty kids..Im juz thankful he is ok..

"Ya allah plz give him strength to get well.."

Nothin is ever perfect..

2008-08-10T12:00:00.003+08:00

Listening To:Face Down by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

I have everythin i ever wanted in a relationship now..never tot anythin else cld go wrong but den it did..nothin is ever perfect..nothin is juz the way u want it..coz it nvr work tat way..i like him i hav to like the rest too..In the first place..dislike or hate for that matter was nvr in my bloodstream..until hurtful words was thrown to me leavin me defenseless..I like them..i really do..respected them as i would of my own..so wat went wrong?i dunno either..wat i cant put up with is bein blamed for nothin..n told not to take it to heart..coz its probably a good advise..wat am i to do..when someone's else parent were to say tat to me?Take the pain silently..drown in my own pain..thinkin tat my family doesnt treat anyone like tat..love him as they wld of their own..but y they hav to treat me like this?I cant blame him either coz its not his fault..n everytime i try to spend time,push the hurt i felt with an open heart try again...only to get hurt again in the end..so y is it me only tryin to understand ppl...its a no wonder i dun wanna be ard ppl...coz im afraid to get hurt when they know me..I so wanted to tell my mum..for her to comfort me..but me & her are alike..once she blacklist someone...she blacklist for life..n to tell her tat someone has hurt her daughter is like a ticket to ending my relationship..which i cant..i dun want tat..hence..probably the only way out for me is to bare the pain...bare it till i can no longer do it..when i realise i finally had enough..........

"Do you feel better when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

Face down in the dirt, she said,
this doesn't hurt, she said,
I finally had enough."

Avengence..

2008-06-22T19:25:00.006+08:00

Listening To: Heartbreaker by Will.I.Am

Why is it when yr sick u crave for all the junk food u can possibly think of knowin u cant hav them..mayb coz its a psychological thinkin tat if u can eat them means u are loadin up on energy to get well..yeah rite! it goes straight to yr stomach n make u feel even worse..even then im still snackin on m&ms bluek! Sorry b i know u'll scold me for sure if i lose my voice..down with cough,flu & fever suddenly on my nite shift..tat always happens..ystrdy went out with him but he was also sick so try as we might we gave up by 9pm n headed home..both feelin weak n blank..

Lately been wantin to blog but the moment i sat in front of the pc all tots seems to be too insignificant for me to blog abt..haiz..sign n symptoms of a badly needed vacation...Life at work is as hell as ever..im juz tryin to get by each day..its so irritatin wen no one gives a chance for u to prove yrself..n it seems all the effort u put in simply is wasted..wat do i do at that point?another stop at a junction,yet to choose the correct path for the wrong choice might result in me havin to live with it for the rest of my life..How many junction hav i stopped?decisions after decisions..i guess afterall tats what life is abt..n everyone is 2-faced..i hav to stand guard all the time..watch my back..watch others..but in the process i too hav mastered the art of suckin up,art of 2-faced..suppressin all my hatred to a fake smile pasted on my face..it made me a wiser person n i guess i cld handle irritatin ppl n relatives better..a sweet smile on a pretty nurse..who wont be bought over rite?yupz tats an art i hav to practice..n its so much harder den the art of flirtin..gosh..mayb im juz born to be a flirt la rather den a suck-up?hahah..well "Keep yr frens close,keep yr enemies closer" ppl say..so true to its words im gonna do juz tat..

K tat last paragraph is depressin..i sound so avengeful..since i know Mr Ian here i've been like tat i wonder why or mayb i am juz sick of lettin ppl get away easily with the shit tat they do to other ppl..last time i use to believe in "forgive & forget" now i believe in "today is yr day,another day will be mine" yup very revengeful..it was like a slap when ian told me the first time..coz i nvr realized..but too late its already in me..oops..im tryin to change ok!hehe..

On a lighter note..me n ian here is still plannin for our road trip..cant wait its in 6weeks! but i might be slottin a super short trip to Bintan in July if we hav extra cash..coz im tired n first week of august seem so very far away..i hav a few things line up for the next couple of weeks..pretty psyched abt it..

25 June-PAY DAY!! (yup im tat broke =( )

28-29 June-Ian sis engagement party.

5 July-Outing with Kinn & the whole lot

7 July-Hav yet to confirm with ian but he'll definitely agree..haha a trip to Jusco for shoppin spree

15 July-The so called schdeduled Bintan trip.

Wow..mcm paham tau schedulin all this..but the first 3 is confirm la..haha..gonna rent a tuscani or a pearl white paseo next week..yippy! Till Next Time..

"Keep your friends close,
keep your enemies closer.."

Living in the fast lane..

2008-05-30T12:36:00.004+08:00

Recently took mc coz i had a bad flu...plus its abt time..hehe was tired with work...sorry i hav short attention span for work..especially a low payin one..haha..was given 2days coz i look pretty bad with swollen nose n red eyes..but decided to surprise ian..he was upset at work..i was upset he cancelled our short malacca trip..darn..but i figured its no use gettin mad..so i rented a car..imagine me from doctor took a cab to defu lane...the place was so ulu..i was startin to freak out..who knows wats waitin for me..was suppose to rent a mazda 3 but ended up with Honda city..one nice car to drive..i chose it coz it has gauges n a digital speed counter...its so ahbeng..but nice..n i know ian love tat kinda thing...so i secretly drove over...very very nervous..but speedin in the 1st lane somemore..mayb the rain got me nervous but i manage to pick him up in one piece..haha..and the first thing he said was "Nurain! (as thick n as stern as he cld sound without being plz wen he saw the gauges...hehe) tak keje ambik mc den rent a car without tellin me". but soon after he forgot n i bet he was glad i did tat...the car is really nice n smooth..we cruised ard as usual..

He went home n took his ex out for a drive..as he refused to let me drive home alone..so cool i hav a body guard..so we chill at Yishun dam awhile..nice nice place...but our main purpose was to show off la..haha...den start cruisin down the expressway...ridin dirty in the fast lane...it was real hot...i juz wish i had a hotter car den a honda city..subaru sti perhaps? u shld hav seen us..ian was busy teasin me..travellin at 150km/h but i was close behind him..wah like 2fast2furious la..hehe..while drivin i received a msg

"P.s: I juz love the way u drive..Its so orgasmic."

Yes ianstarr look out ok..im not yr ordinary woman driver..i can drive like a man..n i will learn to drive like u..hehe..dun be surprise if i learn to drift first..*winks*

Within the 2 days i had a crash course of boostin my confidence..n perfectin my parkin...not so good yet but im much more confident..and for the first time ystrdy i hav him sleepin soundly in the car..he was tired i picked him up st after work..i cld get used to life like this..but its a high price to pay though..hehe..

Till Next Time..

Full of body aches..

2008-05-24T12:09:00.002+08:00

First and foremost i have a shoutout:

"Happy 23rd bday kinn!! I hope u'll hav a wonderful time today..full of surprises as i know u love them..and may u be blessed n be happy n strong through this year..when i saw u ystrdy i missed u too..n i knowu hav lots to tell me but yr mum is there..well at least i've given u a birthday kiss! Haha..have a nice day today..ill meet u soon..love you.."

Good mornin people! haha ok not so mornin..im here in ian's room..slept over last nite after supper..he's still sleepin now..betul nye keje keras smlm..tak nak bangun2..haha ok ok we slept pretty late..bout 5am..tryin to watcha movie online but waitin for it to upload je took so long..anywhoos...i had to come back to work ystrdy for floorball match..inter ward stuffs and i was team leader..wattaheck..so had to be a good leader n play..to my surprise i played not bad but i was so hypo in the middle of it i start havin blurred vision..there was no reserved players either..even if there is im too egoistic to sit out any game..hey teamleader sittin out is so uncool..hehe we won eventually..6-3 wow not bad..anothergame this monday n wednesday..god..im gonna weep in pain now..aftermath of not exercising for so long..im left with bodyaches..its either from floorball or smt else*winks* i need a massage..n i been tryin not to think of urinating coz i cant come out of the room as his dad is at home..ill probably be able to pee by 3pm..tats excriuciating..i need to pee!
K k im starttin to blog rubbish..till next time..

300km??

2008-05-21T12:32:00.002+08:00

Because tonight will be the nite
tat i'll fall for u over again,
Dont make me change my mind..
Or i wont live to see another day
i swear its true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find,
you're impossible to find..-ianstarr

300km tat was how far we travelled today..buang minyak..haha..both of us super broke...k im broke coz of driving,he's broke coz of me..tryin to cover for my expenses..now tat i pass already hopefully i wont be so broke..hehe..its ok pay day this friday ok...to whomever i utang plz hang on there..u'll get yr cash soon..hehe sorry sorry..Goin to Turf City of AML or wherever there's cars always leave me with lesser brain cells than i started with..first of all coz of the heat..next was how the cars always take my breath away..stress u know..seein them n cant hav them..ohh well someday perhaps...
Marina South Pier is a real damn nice place to be at..we were in search of a place to park which overlook the sea..so we ended up here n took a stroll n juz enjoy the sea breeze...den my darlin here start talkin bout boats..wow didnt know he has such knowledge..hehe..the day ended pretty perfectly..it was along time since he embrace me in his arms..making me feel like no one cld hurt me..he took all my worries away..juz like he used to..kissin me softly..n when he whispered in my ears 'I love you' i juz melted...n its been a long while he look at me tat way..how much he wanted to tell me he adores me but words wasnt necessary...juz a gaze n a tint in his eyes n runnin his fingers ard my eyes..n lips...i've never felt so loved..the scene was perfect..n there's love songs playin at the bar & bistro...yup it was romantic n a lovely nite..
Headed back home n he gave me a lesson on parkin..tat must be abt the 2nd or 3rd lesson..i've mastered it abit..but still abit panic wen there's so many cars comin my way...i was so stress tat i cant stop doin the same mistakes repeatedly n till i forgot where the hell the wheels was goin...yup tat bad..drivin nvr give me pressure...hehe...no no i tink its only parkin..if im drivin n u high beam me also i dun give a damn..hehe but i filter lane as dangerous as he always do..n finally he admitted on how it feels like to be in the passenger seat instead of drivin..n how i've put up with all his stunts quietly..while he,each time i filter lane dangerously or speed a little more..his hand will alraedy be at the hand brake..yup finally he get wat i mean by i hav so much trust in him! heheh..
k la i got ta go to work..darn work!..

TP-12May 08

2008-05-13T21:03:00.002+08:00

I pass! I pass my tp!! hehehe...first time somemore with 18 demerit...but who cares bout the demerit as long as it says i pass n i hav license...Subaru here i come..! hehe...drove ian's lancer ex ystrdy...bit tough n nervous coz he's car has a spoiler n stuff so abit difficult to see plus im so blind cannot drive at nite..so dear ian here says if i wanna drive at nite..i hav to get a pair of spectacles...haiz...it still unbelievable..i pass! after all those stress with my instructor...i kinda miss him now..he's nice but strict...im gonna get him smt as a token of appreciation but i dunno wat...its sad coz i tink i've grown attached to him..so if anyone wanna learn driving i really recommend him..he really drill u till u get it..so anyway..i pass! hehehe...
Till NExt Time..

2008-05-05T09:59:00.001+08:00

Listening To:No Air by Jordin Sparks

The other day went to watch this stupid show Harold & Kumar..seriously the jokes are super lame..n wats with the obsession with pot??Yup stupid stupid show..i shld have known better..but ian doesnt he tot it wld be funny...it was a little but den it got mundane n im more interested in kissin Mr Ian here..hehe...waitin to watch Over her dead Body..and What happen in Vegas..smt like tat la the title..im all in for chic flic..hehe..i know i know waste of money but its a way for me to destress coz its a fantasy and smt light hearted..though im also in for thrillers..im bored at work actually..fed up with the ward too many politics here..so im countin down the months...and so lookin forward to August...ROAD TRIP!!!!hahaha...k gtg...Till NExt Time..

P.S: I gotta remember the circuits steps and turning point...im so demented if i forget thats it..so screwed..wish me luck! =)

2008-05-04T18:23:00.002+08:00

"Was I too close to comfort?"

Missing what it used to be like....

A tough Career

2008-05-02T11:01:00.004+08:00

Listening To: No air

"If I should die before I wake
It's cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air"

Finally the stupid audit is over!! No more stress lingering in the air..still bitchings going on but i dun care n im gettin nastier den ever...told u people tat u shldnt try me..i can be sweet n nice...i can also be nasty n crude wen stepped upon..juz dun beg for mercy i aint gonna hear of it..but work is still chaos...almost everyday ill go home too tired coz workload is gettin heavier n relatives...sigh tats another thing...i really wish Nurses are given more respect...do u know tat the lives of the people u love are in the hands of us?so be nice or else! hahah there's alot of nasty things we can do u know...u juz wont know the consequences so curb yrself from bein so rude n treatin us like maids..we are nurses damn u! Even yr maids treat us as if we are their maids...pisses me off...so im gonna tell u off straight in yr face so u'll wake up...n dun ever say tat u pay for our services coz we are no bloody prostitutes to begin with..we are being hired by hospitals to provide care for yr loved ones n nurse them back to health...which let me tell u we can choose not to..its so easy not to care u know...afterall its not our loved ones its yrs..so start treatin us with more respect! N u pay for the hospital bed tat yr loved ones lie on n u pay for doctors to see them n the medications n treatments. U DO NOT PAY FOR ANY SERVICES LIKE CHANGING DIAPERS OR FEEDING YR LOVED ONES..U ARE LIABLE ASSHOLESS!!!!!!we are there to assist if u are so stubborn n wanna carry on yr own treatment...GO HOME!
Haiz as u can see im facin lots of stress at work...part & parcel but some ppl are so unreasonable n plus malays n indians if they are in hospital they act as if they are so rich n demand extra services...if yr so rich why the hell u stayin in C class ward? go to A class la...they hav all the time in the world to treat u like loyalty whereas in C class the ratio is 1 nurse: 14patients we cant handle yr merepekness..we got no time..Plus i tink we nurses are underpaid..so mayb u cld write to the government to increase nurses pay n we'll start by givin u the services u need...mayb we can start chargin for diapers changin n feeding them..everywhere else ard the world nurses are nurses..we do medical jobs..the families will do the diapers changin n feedin..but here in Singapore we are like maids only we hav a cert to show tat we can do slightly more den a maid..not much difference perhaps..plz la give us more respect...singaporeans are too pampered...everythin is catered for..god...so irritating..and the worse part is tat yr so busy n relatives of other patients who is there tellin u wat do to..so free ah? go and attend yrself la..stop pestering me..n plz tats not even yr relative why dun u juz shut yr mouth n visit yr own relative so kpo!! try be a nurse n u'll understand tat im not over reacting..it is happening...n each day i snap n someone..i dun wan to u know..i love bein a nurse...i like takin care of ppl...but its this irritain unreasonable ppl make me do nasty things..im juz buyin time to upgrade myself..australia degree is out so still hav to chase after my diploma next year...haiz...life is tough..
Till Next Time...

Happy Birthday To Me!

2008-04-29T11:28:00.007+08:00

Im 23 already...god so old but lucky me..some people at work still tink im 20-21..haha n ian's frens think im 21 so heng ar...i dun look old..its juz sad tat ppl dun remember my bday..mayb coz my line was terminated so i was usin another line..even my bestfren..she call me up tat very day n didnt wish me instead she ask me about nutmeg powder...i was too depressed to even think..But i had a pretty good day though..ian rented a grande punto to bring me out coz his mitsubishi ex is unavailable..we went cruisin the day b4 my bday n he gave me my present..he took it so secretively while i was goin to the toilet..he even let me drive on the way home..cool ah..hehe it was a long way k from kallang coz he was havin the stomach cramps..

Name necklace..something tat i always wanted!

Next day he brought me to JUSCO in JB coz we are tired of singapore...plus he told me ill enjoy this trip...n so i did...i was treated to Pizza hut and we went shoppin! so cheap la...n im definitely gonna come back there to make my glasses..i saw a white one..n the green frame tat ian like so much...ok ok im gonna go there again..we were out of time so decided to head back...went to kallang n fortunately there was a race goin on..i took a pic beside a lambo!!

K i look fat in this pic...hey it was scorchin hot i got no time to pose...hehe

If only tat was my birthday present...how nice...hehe keep dreamin la..lucky its not white or im seriously gonna faint..i was already goin tachycardia when i saw tat..so many hot cars in one place..Honda integra, Nissan Skyline GTR, porsche, Subaru WRX STI, EVO...sigh...juz name it...they got it...but all the driver not hot la..my ianstarr is so much hotter...haha..we return the car and guess wat?my mum called n ask ian to do her a favour..send my trajet isi minyak at JB again...so off we go fetch the car n to JB again..hehe...after tat it was 11plus..n still had to fetch her at Anchorville..it was the first time my mum trusted anyone with the trajet i tink she dun even trust me with it..n my dad say tat he can use it as n wen the car is available..wow! Thank you dear for the present n puttin effort to celebrate my bday..My TP is drawin very near..12 may...i've mastered the circuit..not so difficult..but i hope i dun screw it up..

I must pass!! hehe..

Happy 2yrs 5mths darls...wow its been this long..I love you..We hav our ups & downs but there's no one else ill rather be with than with you..

Somethings Juz not Meant to be..

2008-04-17T22:34:00.003+08:00

So the decision was im not going..Not mine though..my parents..even before they heard my point of view..but i dun even wanna say anythin..coz it sounded like more or less they hav decided on it..so wat the heck rite..the painful thing was they seem so keen n supportive n my fear from going turn to excitement..n they had to kill my joy..kill my hope...sleepless nites was for nothin..i was thinkin abt this even in my sleep but it was stupid...juz another form of illusion..they said i shld wait for poly...even comin up with excuses like mayb the school is not reputable..wat the hell...i saw the accreditation from Singapore Nursing Board..all said n done i guess there might be a blessing why im not going..mayb the one above knows tat i cant make it,or i need to be here for the next 2 yrs..or mayb he knows that my relationship cldnt survive the test of time & distance..i dunno but ill take it in my strike dat i wasnt meant to have a degree..i was meant to earn it the hard way..so be it..there must be a blessing..i dunno to feel relief or disappointed..either ways i feel abit numb..close to heartbroken..but lucky me tat a degree wasnt a dream i wanted all my life..all i wanted was to hav a diploma in nursin n im pretty happy...but now i tink i want a degree..hell i want a masters..hahaha all coz i wanna prove it to my parents tat ill earn it one way or another..well so after this life goes on.....
I do find myself sleeping alot lately..when i feel sad i sleep...everythin i do i sleep...den i realize im not wat i use to be..i've always not run away from problems..i charge head on to settle them..but my stubborn-headedness has deplete slowly n i find myself tryin to run away from all this turmoil...n sleep is apparently my only escape..i feel alot better once i sleep..n if i cry,ill scold myself for being so weak n i hate myself for it..i shldnt rite...afterall its ok to breakdown smt..haiz...ill come up with a new life plan...n now marriage can be my priority?NOT! im still workin on gettin my stupid diploma..
Im juz thankful to ian and my sister..both of them supported me all the time..im glad i hav them..n i love them both coz no matter how crappy i am they'll always be by my side...not even judgin me or losin their temper..
Till Next Time...

A song speaks volumes..

2008-04-10T08:39:00.001+08:00

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
Just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Coz baby I can't sleep...

2008-04-09T17:31:00.002+08:00

Listening To: Samantha Mumba

"Dun wanna love you if u dun love me,
Dun wanna need you if u dun need me too.."

Im embarrass..im so embarrass i shld slap myself...yupz..y am i so hard up anyway...if someone say he doesnt want it y shld i secretly wish he wld..n y is it so important to me?stupid dream anywayz rite...to you mayb...everyone wants a degree to be successful or watever...but i only want one thing...screw the degree or watever...it beats nothin to hav the person u love rite beside u..yup im a silly girl who believe in fairy tales and 'happily ever after..'

The thing i dun get it is...guys say they cant figure us women out...darn i cant figure them out either..too many mind games...y is it when u give yr whole heart out to someone...they juz wont give it back...n when u dun give yr heart to them...they do anythin to get it...n when they get it...they put it in the blender...ouch...so yup go figure abt them...

"I'll get over the whole idea n dreamy things dun worry..Dreams after all are suppose to be juz dreams...*winks* and if fated, its meant to be..if not *shrugs*...i'll find my way..."

Time Check

2008-04-04T05:20:00.004+08:00

Like finally i finish all my 10 sponges..3 i did it all by myself in juz bout 8mins..go figure how long i took for each patient..not that im bein unhygienic but the patient is clean plus i give it a thorough wipe ok..not easy to do to this contracted patient..my back will definitely suffer...but well knowin me i dun like to wait for ppl la..so slow..waitin for someone for 5mins i can actually finish one pt..so y waste time..haha..sponges done, in out done, bladder emptied..wat else do i need to do....hmmmm....juz my hourly parameters which is not due yet..so mayb i shld take a snooze...funny at 1am i was feelin pretty refreshed...by 3am im feelin the zombieness of workin nite duty..i cant understand how ppl can stay workin in nite shift..ill hav dark rings if im permanent nite..i can hardly open my eyes now..
TIME CHECK:-6am. YES! finally only bout 1 half hr to go home..my bed is callin me..My darlin starr must be sleepin peacefully..coz if he dun he'll be callin me usually at bout this hour..meetin him later for a lunch quickie *winks* lots to update him on..
Till Next Time..

Decisions...Decisions..

2008-04-03T14:42:00.002+08:00

Listening To: Killa by Cherish

"Shawty is a killa
But I really want him
And I got to have him tonight
Straight heart breaker
But it really don't matter
Cause I really want him.."

I was hooked on HBO before i start gettin ready for work...i was extremely late but cant be helped the story line is so interestin plus its a thriller..i hav a sick mindset..thrillers scare the hell out of me n will give me nitemares coz ill start to remember all those things yet i still glued myself to it..if ian knows he's gonna start naggin for a fact tat ill start lookin for him coz im scared..haha..anyways if i also tell him tat it Sophie Bush is in it,he'll go dreamy and forget bout naggin at me..haha..
THE HITCHER is a story bout a couple who go on a road trip and stumble upon this sadist psychotic hitchhiker who kills whoever who is nice enough to give him a lift..juz rememberin him give me goosebumps..he dun give a damn he juz starts killin u..n he is always nearby...darn it..me & ian always wanted to go on a long road trip..now it makes us things twice tat we musnt go only 2 of us..the more is always merrier...but its good movie..my mum kept sayin "go to work la..late already!.."haha
On a serious note..i cant make up my mind on actually takin my degree in australia or not..im scared to hell coz i dun tink i can survive mainly bcoz all my comfort is taken away from me..im in a new environment..not knowin anyone..no family,no frens..no one i know...many ppl wld kill for this kind of oppurtunity so y am i havin sleepless nites over this..its 2yrs..n i really cant bare to leave ian here..mum say its a test for our relationship...i cant stand to not see him for 2weeks...wats more 2yrs..i need to update him daily..i know probably i shld learn to let go a little bit..coz he too is supportive of me goin...but will our relationship really can stand the test of time & distance? i juz cant imagine..honestly i rather not hav anythin...no degree or overseas experince..to me its not important...i value my relationship with ppl i love more den anythin else..its juz not ian...2yrs alot can happen...i wont be able to watch my niece grow...wats my family will be up to..wat ian will be up to..wat wld all this ppl achieve while im away...tat kind of thing...so yeah its troublin me..i know my dad is keen on me goin..afterall its only 2yrs rite..plus ill be awarded a Degree in Nursing..smt tat i always wanted..a degree by 25 n when i come back i can always get married rite?sigghh...its not as easy as it all sound..n nothin will ever go the way u plan..so wat do i do now...to go or not to go....help me ppl......Till Next Time...

Darls im sorry for last nite..i know im always givin u mental torture..probably too late...damage is done...but forgive me...for i dun mean to hurt u..the closest person to u will always hurt u the most they say...but its not an excuse for me..i juz tot u didnt care for me..i know im foolish but that's bcoz i love you..it makes me do foolish things..im sorry dear...i really am..

My only solace.........left to nothing =(

2008-04-02T21:29:00.004+08:00

Listening To: Trumpet Concerto in E flat Major

I used to be able to find comfort hearin a trumpet concerto when im as furious as now..and when tat didnt work ill play my trumpet till i can hardle breathe..or probably turnin blue from it..(yes a pretty girl like me do play the trumpet..hehe hard to believe but im musically incline) and one of the hardest piece i had to master was the one above..try listenin to it and u'll get me..Anyway i was hoping this cld calm me down coz it use to be someone who cld calm me down..now even tat is taken away from me..i hav to again depend on myself to be happy or sad...this is wat u get wen u depend too much on someone..
My mind is full of vulgarities now...juz because i refuse to be upset coz ill end up in tears...shitty i know...but this kind of things is sadly uncontrollable..And i know she must hate me alot..everytime there's somethin plan..and all this problems start comin up..tell me again where my fault lies...i swear i know she's hatin me alot..and i dun even know y...even he has to sneak ard to see me...it makes me feel really terrible but i didnt wanna verbalise...for heaven sake we've been goin out for comin 3yrs..den all this come up??like wat the hell...n worse each time it has to be argument over the car...screw the car...pissin me off...or tat we're meetin too often...wth..i mean after all this time???mayb im turnin up too much....fine ill juz stay away...so dont bother invitin me for any more functions..im not gonna turn up..sigh i dunno wat else to say...if i say smt...he'll definitely stand up for her...and ill get yelled at.. and ill feel tat im alone on this and i wont know who to turn to but cant blame him...they are blood related afterall..so how do we solved this?continue sneakin ard? probably he shld get a new gf...or mayb my study in australia wld do everyone good...im too depressed to thing of all this...work life is enough hell to tink of...or mayb i shld go to South Africa? Yeah u got that right..my last resort for solace..the only place i fell in love with enough to leave everythin here...sigghhh....enough la..too many tears has fallen...im sick & tired..

Audit

2008-04-02T10:12:00.002+08:00

Talk of the day: AUDIT

Everyons is super kanchong & panic over the audit today..they say im so calm..haha..as if..i appear to be..they didnt have to know tat i cant sleep well last nite..not entirely due to audit..also due to some stuffs...sigh i shall not mention it..today will be a hectic day..still got driving..ohh well...its juz another shitty day i suppose..Till Next Time..

Happy Birthday IANSTARR!

2008-03-31T13:04:00.006+08:00

Listening To: Spring by Vivaldi

Last 2 yrs it was this photo that i snapped...so charming..it warm my heart each time i see this..coz i remembered how happy he was..n my birthday wish for him was to stay that way all the time.

This yr this is wat i snapped...him caught off guard...juz woke up from sleep...and look at his "tiny abrasions" not as tiny as he describe in his blog..yup ian reopen his blog..catch it at ianstarrs.blogspot.com.. still charmin...hehe but he was so shock tat he start actin funny after tat...heheh...sorry dear that i had to lie again..Actually this wasnt the only thing we had for celebrations..it was 3 days worth...the first day was the sweetest to me..he was driving in his ex n we went wild on shopping that day coz its my pay day n he has some bonus from spf..we head to vivo and marina square supposedly to find his bday present...instead we both wen wild shoppin...eventhough i was gettin pretty sick..didnt know tat i was catchin a high fever and throat infection which landed me another 2days of mc..haha..so i had 4days straight off days..the shopping was on thursday..after that i refused to go home coz its still early..head to sentosa for a stroll..didnt realize how beautiful sentosa is at night..it was so romantic..ian cldnt walk much either still uncomfortable from pain..if both of us were well, i wld hav suggested the cable car...ooooohhh it wld be sooo romantic..hehehe...after tat i was shiverin so much,he drove us to suntec for me to get a sweater..by then i gave up...i was too sick to argue n let him drive me home..

Friday: I was sick so when to doctor and rest at home..he was also on mc due to the accident..Till later my sis offered him to use her credit card to get a laptop..n we cldnt get a car...his dad driving the ex...tried our luck with the usual abg with the hot hot subaru...n he said he's not usin it..i was so happy i forgot that im sick...so off we go showin off the subaru..met kikin & family at tampines courts n did our laptop shoppin..it was really nice to receive stares from ppl when the subaru did its roarin..Tml more showing off ok dear! haha..After dinner of KFC and laptop bought we head to giant for some grocery shopping for tml outing.

Saturday: Supposedly suppose to have a picnic at Labrador Park. Made tuna & egg sandwiches, some popcorn chicken and a bottle of crysanthemum tea. Were suppose to top up oil at JB coz mind u showing off the subaru is expensive..my mum told me JB not congested so we headed there...end up we picnicing in the car and gettin lost in JP almost wanted to head to Melaka though but we didnt bring enough cash...darn it..hehe...next time perhaps?? so ended up in town after tat..showing off roaring away...den finally head for my sister's house where i watched STEP UP 2 for the 2nd time..first was caught with Ian.Its been awhile i slept over and spent time with her..

Sunday: No plans actually but Ian was feeling down & bored so i suggested bringin him out for waffles!! At a place never heard of..WafflesTown. Cute place..more like a cafeteria. We ate main course of chickens but that really suck. but the waffles are superb and cheap..so we ate to out hearts content..definitely gonna go there again...yummy! B, take me there next week ok? hehe...

Monday: Too tired to go out. Plus ian on standby again..so cant go out. Then i was also planning his little surprise..haha it was pretty far goin from simei to admiralty..but guess its worth it..seein his face so shock n jumpin n huggin me...askin me wat the hell im doin here..i sang him a birthday song..hehe my ex wld hav given his balls to hear me sing..not that i sang very nice...but i guess to someone its romantic..so before i knew it i start singing..thats when i realize im really comfortable with ian thats y i cld sing..and the birthday cake rocks! so yummy...darn it im eatin too much ice-cream no wonder my infection is not healing at all..haha...more pics will be updated soonz...Till Next Time..

2nd Accident

2008-03-26T01:15:00.005+08:00

Listening To: Cant Help but Wait by Trey Songz

" I can’t take to see your face
With those tears runnin down your cheeks
But what can I do.."

I shld'nt hav had tat stupid fight with him..i blame myself? Of coz i did...i shld hav known better tat he always rides like tat.. wen he's angry,he's not focus..i tot i didnt hav to worry bout him anymore with him sellin the sp but its the same thing..he met an accident..i rushed even though i was still mad but i was secretly worried to hell hoping that he was telling the truth n tat he honestly escape with scratches..but obviously i know Ian better than tat..came rushin to his house only to be greeted by his bloodied face..now scarred his perfections..i could only be thankful that he's lips remain unharm..unscar..juz the way i remembered him kissing me softly from the nite before..it was really juz last nite that we met..
i cant control myself..i burst into tears rite there n then...turned away from lookin him straight in the eye..coz i know ill see all the pain he's bearin...knowin tat this time round i wasnt there to share the burden..to reminisce abt the incident..the way we did last year..smt that i tot i nvr one any of us to repeat..but it has..sigh..i did his dresssings slowly n Niam's too..as usual he express bravery..smiling,laughin even drove me home but i knew better..it was painful..i gave him the painkiller so he can sleep well at nite.. I sacrificed my sleepin time..though i know ill be dead sleepy tonite but im too worried to even shut my eye..juz glad tat while im workin..he is now sleeping comfortably..
it really pains me to see him like tat...that does it..enough is enough..no more bikes..though i know he's dream is to be able to ride a class 2 bike..forget it..i dun wanna lose him..so i rather share to buy a car den he suffer another accident..enough is enough.. i love him too much..

"Ya allah, please give him strength he needed to recover..protect him from any more harm..coz this humble servant of yours love him far too much..please hear my prayers.."

Obsession with Subaru Impreza.

2008-03-07T01:29:00.004+08:00

For the first time probably after my first nite shift i slept like a log till bout 4plus-5..it was horrible probably due to the weather or smt..n wen i work up i still feel sleepy and took a nap at 6.45 till 7.15..lucky ian call me of i tink i wont wake up..
Poor him due to the terrorist escape he had to be on duty for more den 14hrs patrolling and was home only bout 12midnite..i hope they capture him soon coz if not he's be on duty non-stop..im on my 2nd shift doin well so far...juz cant wait for it to be over..tired la..so sleepy..tml i better remember that i hav driving..if not ill sleep rite thru n get screwed by my instructor again..im lookin forward to it though coz i've mastered parallel parking..heng ar..hehe..
I cant wait to get my own subaru! since i saw one nice modified one..i cant get to sleep...been dreamin bout it...darn...i want a subaru!!

Nothin Last Forever..

2008-03-06T02:33:00.003+08:00

Im at work now...practically fallin asleep..haha..bored la..lucky my staff nurse is Siti..she's great and im more relax..both nites with her yippy! im doin nites also to earn more cash for my car practs..TP on 12May...scary la..Ian's TP also in may 6th..haha taking his 2A so excited...buyin GSR..hot bike..sold his SP today...im the one so sad...coz we shared so much memories with it..plus he gave it a new paintwork and fixed the angel eye...sigh...good bye sp..nothin last forever..ok enough so dramatic..but really im sad..
Talked to Sofy during my break..tat crazy girl...nvr fails to make my nite..my crazy bestfren is in love..haha...how sweet tat feelin is..the initial stage..sweaty hand holding..not knowin if mayb the other party wanna kiss u or feel as in love,as happy with u..i miss tat feelin la..but i guess i dun miss it much...coz Mr Ian here still can make me feel nervous on some dates, still able to make me feel shy and happy...yup im still in love with him...like the way i am 2yrs back..
Okla i better get back to work..*smiles happily day dreamin* yup today is indeed will be a good nite..Till Next Time..Muackz!

Friendships..

2008-03-03T17:38:00.005+08:00

I was reading Shay's blog and kinn's blog and looking at pictures..suddenly a wave of sadness flooded me..how we were so close back in ITE Bishan...its such a shame i barely have time for them now..they were there at the most fragile peak of my life...making me smile and laugh till i gain my confidence back..sharing sadness,happiness and moments of struggle be it with the beach bummers (haha!) or with studies or juz abt anyting...it was a great 2years of my life..smt i wouldnt exchange for anything..the frendship we built was short but real strong..so y is it now im juz too afraid to try again..i miss them...terribly..n wished i didnt have a shift job...i was still able to meet them while studyin nursing..meetin kinn often for dinner..and weekend with shay & hel..sigh..they make me feel contented with life..n somehow now things juz changed...sigh n who's to blame?mayb me,mayb situation..i dunno...all i know is i really miss them...miss wat we had...so guys if yr reading...then this is to let u know...tat we may not meet often but yr always on my mind.........

Cold Feet..

2008-02-24T11:42:00.003+08:00

His hands start gettin so warm..holdin my hand in his...kissin it from time to time...the unspoken words seem to hang in the air..both lookin out the window...thinkin of the same thing..
"Why are u so nice to me?"
"Coz yr nice to me so there's no reason y i shldnt rite? U dun like it den i won't"
"No,no tats not y i mean...i like it..its juz tat lately u've always been there for me cheering me up when im down which is alot lately.."
"I shld rite?im yr girlfrend..if im not there for u den who will..the other side of yr life is so chaotic i feel i shld shut my mouth n be nice to u..hehe.."
To make matters worst all the love songs start playin on air..i was like wat the hell..At his favourite 'cornering' junction opposite Esplanade, he pop the line..holding my hand so tight he look me deep in my eyes n say "Lets get engaged next year" i was too shock to even say anything...hehe..i wasnt expectin him to say it now..mayb next year down the road or smt..no wonder he was wearin a coat n thinkin of bringin me to Chinese Garden and i was thinkin watever for...suddenly it all click...n i tink imight be gettin a little cold feet...hehehe...wen u really tink abt it..yup i tink i am a little....hehe..I haven tell my mum yet...mayb not yet...mayb later in the year..after i pass my driving perhaps..insyallah if things go the rite way...
Till Next Time...

el sueño se realiza

What i wouldnt do..

2008-02-23T02:51:00.002+08:00

As quoted from my bestfren "Guys wont give up anythin for love even frens..Girls give up everything including their frens for love.." Its true n its stupid...yes Ain u included!! So why do we still do it?sigh i dunno...im stii figuring out...in the meantime im still gonna blame myself for yet being stupid once again..congrats ain!

Sometimes i give my best hoping the other party will too..yet i feel empty lately..tryin to always cope with situation instead of being happy n carefree..some people say tats wat u get when your in a relationship..u use to be in love..now juz in a relationship..funny i still do feel tat im in love with him..am i the only one who feels this way?

"Doesnt mean he don't love u the way u want him to means he dun love u at all..."

Updatez..

2008-02-18T01:01:00.004+08:00

Life's good now...juz too many things to update..
-Road trip with subaru ts!
-ian's POC
-ian's dad was hospitalised so that's when we both get busy.
-strange encounter with pervert @ Marina South
-Weekend trip to JB.

im currently on nite shift so cant update much coz no photo to put up bluek...lucky one nite only..mayb in the day ltr after driving i'll updatez..Till later..muackz!